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Hi, 

I was a regular mone user and had great phero journey with some amazing results with my phero collection. Then life hit me hard. For some years struggling to put together everything in place in career work and relationship. I am an alpha in signature  and as people say with spine of steel, i refuse to give up. Its damn hard right now. I am putting effort to  work on all mentioned areas in life.

While looking for the right man for me , recently came across someone online. After talking for couple of months, he suddenly told me he wants to meet and i agreed. so its tomorrow. He is travelling from another city to me. Which mone should i wear ? so, it leaves him in awe and wanting more and take the relationship forward.

Something about him so it helps in suggestions - He is alpha (really alpha), with bossy streak in conversations. Do have lighter side and fun but always want to have the last word. At work he fly in skies - ( Hint -one of those most expensive combat birds) prepare and passes on the skills with no questions to his authorities. Have strange mix of such and alpha with high quality creative side. He is awesome at it. INTJ and Cappi with Leo moon. He mentioned in conversation - "wants an equal  in relationship not a baby girl to father".  Loves cuddling and misses it most in life. I hope this helps in suggesting the phero. Looking forward to some suggestions to make most out of this first date. I have almost everything from Mara which i saved for such coming times and not consumed it all. I can see what will work with him gradually on each coming date, but want to make just the right start. As i am off mones  for almost 2 years and Pre menopause, do not know what might work or backfire. So inviting suggestions if anyone can help me. 

 

 

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First of all, well done on getting back up and getting your life together again after life threw you a curveball! It takes a lot of strength to do that. 

 

I posted this on another thread a little while ago:

On 9/1/2019 at 8:42 PM, hedgehog said:

This might be due to my own chemical signature, but EST works better for me with more nurturing, less alpha guys. LFM and EST makes them treat me like a straight up goddess - they are amazing to me but I still feel respected and heard. Whereas with really alpha types, EST makes them like, "You're so adorable. Let me take care of you."  I'm definitely catered to but I feel like I'm not taken as seriously.  Something with a edge, like Leather, gives that "we're an amazing team and we're going to take over the world" vibe. 

 

That said, I get the whole "you're adorable" thing even without pheros. So maybe I just naturally give off that vibe and the EST with certain men is just too much. 

I personally would try something with a bit more edge, like Leather. It's probably congruent with your natural alpha signature too. (Of course, this depends on your personal chemistry, so definitely test out the phero beforehand if possible!) I think LFM/N could work too, depending on your chemistry and how he responds to EST. I would not recommend wearing something that can go ditzy, like Lace, right away.

 

Also, I love INTJs! (I also am one.) 😊  I totally get what he means by "equal relationship" and that's why I immediately thought of Leather. 

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Hi, 

We had a wonderful time. What this man felt and what he explained me over the phone afterwards and today morning can be a marathon report. I know inside my heart those are some of mones speaking, so valuable and worth sharing here. I so much want to write it all & post it here. I think a good idea is to start a journal as i foresee a relationship joiurney on my cards. Smiles:) 

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Congratulations!  Glad you had such a wonderful time! 

 

:Emoticons10311:

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I wore – pure cops- 4 drops 2 in inner thighs and 2 behind knees dried for 20 mins and then covered with summer solstice 2009

Cougar – 2 swipes wrist to elbow

Anol (un) – 2 sprays to neck

Bnol- 1 spray to left wrist

 

I went out for the first meeting and met outside the restaurant. He just sat next to me and held my hand right away. We had a good conversation, with fun light moments of tickling and teasing. He began holding my waist while we walked in open market. After temperature rise, we moved to a mall where in we discussed some serious stuff. After coffee he started to hold me close to his body, while walking and kissed my head(many time). He kissed my forehead on almost every escalator we stood.

If I appreciated anything while window shopping, he offered to buy it for me. I had to stop him all the time. He packed us dinner before finally leaving. The last hug felt very warm and the kiss on forehead with a smile was felt too good to me.

 

Later he called from his car ride. He confessed that he had tough time to control himself from kissing me. He found very tough to keep his hands off me. He said he acted out of character and this is how he doesn’t behave with a lady. He said sorry and told me good that we were in public else he would have pushed me more.

He called me this morning and said he is having tough time taking me off his mind. Quoting his words “I am imagining you while sleeping and when I wake up. I didn’t feel like this in years. If I would have been in hotel or private place, I would have pushed you for more. I want you so much that I am uncomfortable about myself and my behavior. I am not able to decipher its our chemistry or what”. I want you right by my side,  remember the hug and your fingers in my hand''. though I helped him to relax and asked him to give some more time to really get hold of his feelings. I knew what he felt but I had to say something. He wants to have more dates and said what if this chemistry thing happens again, he fears it.  

I liked him too and know exactly what to wear next time, so his tension and feelings continue but I nudge him to think its love not lust. I am open to suggestions. He might want to visit again in a month or so. That’s what I presume, maybe sooner.

 

Observation- he was not at all alpha in a bad way instead was protecting and was willing to provide.  This happened in 6 hours we spent together.did I overdo the cops dose? As I used mones after a big gap I lost my sweet spot and dosage plus pre-meno is also my concern. Open to thoughts and ideas.

 

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oh my stars - that is like a hallmark story... fabulous!!  - I do not think you over did it -

 I know a Cap with Leo moon - alpha -  avoidance behaviors  ....... so i'm really interested in how things go   

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OMG, Even i want to know more about this avoidance behavior thing you just mentioned. 

The story goes like this- I made the report same day and posted it next day. Next day he talked on phone in morning. After that he vanished. I sensed that in his conversation that he is getting in pulling away mode. I didn't chase him entire day.  I sent a tiny good night message and no response. So i got busy in my life. he sent routine morning text to which i didn't reply and there he goes. In two hours he messages " Ok ,  You also decided not to reply" and till evening i couldn't reply. He finally broke the silence now and exchanged some messages and even called. He was sighing that i want you so much and since i met you i am reaching out to you in morning in half sleep and you are not here. 

@Ray - I really want to know what's this vanishing and appearing?  He sure wants to take things forward and said so. At the same time saying i am not the guy to push you and hurt you in any way. He says he is struggling with that he wants me and disliking why he is wanting me so much. 

I don't know if i did the right thing  :( I don't want to be the reason of his pain. Or is this guy tricking me somewhere? Should i go no cops and let it be on its own pace ?  I have some questions to answer.

Edited by Magnanimity
added word

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Okay, from what I'm seeing here and this is going to sound absolutely insane, I'm sure but...  

He likes you TOO MUCH.  He's not used to connecting with someone the way he has with you (beyond just the pheromones) although they definitely help.  Lay off the copulins for a bit and if you wear pheromones, stick with the socials.  The reason he may have seemed like he ghosted you is because he likes you TOO MUCH.  He feels so intensely about how much he wants to be with you that he's afraid of contacting you too much or too often and being annoying.  So he waits for you to contact him (with baited breath).  Yes, he's damaged but I actually think he's worth trying to keep around as long as you continue to just allow things to unfold organically.  If you do that, he'll open up more to you (which he already has and for him that is NOT EASY to do!)  

 

Hang in there, he really likes you and it is not JUST because of the copulin/phero cloud you bombed him with. :Emoticons10311:

Just my 2 cents.  

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5 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

i am the guy to push you and hurt you in any way. He says he is struggling with that he wants me and disliking why he is wanting me so much. 

 - my opinion is that for this type of man feeling out of control is way beyond what they are used to.  they the cappy alpha with leo moon is very serious and practical,  and the emotional stuff makes them uncomfortable - why would he like a woman he hardly knows?? Maybe he has not had any kind of feeling like he was experiencing  with you in a very long time. BUT at the same time their own feelings are strong  - and in their everyday life they control themselves and their environments - "contained' is a good descriptive word  I wonder if this man is private too-  not secretive just private.

the texting - well when he's ready to text it's all go - but if he's busy it's almost like he never even heard of you - i find that confusing BUT i think a lot of men are the same way....

be warm and kind, be open to finding out about him - what is he all about? Do you like what is all about in a few months when you know him better, will you still like him? and don't assume on his part - ask him for definitions 

go slow  one step at a time -   and stay on top of your own life, don't neglect yourself - got my fingers crossed for ya

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Wow, great story! Please keep us updated!

 

If he was feeling like he was having trouble controlling himself and it's making him worried about being around you, it might be good to ease up on the cops a bit. My impression from what you're writing is that this guy is used to being logical and in control of his emotions, so feeling so completely out of control is scaring him.  But he can't resist! But he's terrified! But he can't stop thinking about you! And so on - he's in turmoil.

 

My impression of with guys like this is that their "armor" is their control over their  thoughts and emotions, but they're big softies in the inside. They're stoic and rational, and that's become a part of their identity. But you've somehow gotten past that and now he can't stop feeling these really strong emotions and he can't get you out of his mind. It's disquieting, like having a stranger popping up at the foot of your bed at 3 am in the morning.  And now that you have his heart, you could do a lot of damage, and he's scared.

 

I agree with raydee - reassure him that you care about him, be warm, accepting, and basically help his logical side come around to where his emotions are. Once his rational side sees that you're a good partner for him, his internal conflict should ease and hopefully he can embrace the romance wholeheartedly. Good luck!

 

Edited by hedgehog
typo

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6 hours ago, Snoopyace said:



""He likes you TOO MUCH.  He's not used to connecting with someone the way he has with you " 

He confessed this word by word. 

 

"because he likes you TOO MUCH.  He feels so intensely about how much he wants to be with you that he's afraid of "' - 

How things will forward and what we will do? its to fast and i dont have much experience with you. I don't  like being out of control like this. Still i am liking every second of being with you and want more and more. 

 

"he'll open up more to you (which he already has and for him that is NOT EASY to do!)" 

He said its difficult for him to tell me all this but he want to be honest with me. 

 

"'Hang in there, he really likes you and it is not JUST because of the copulin/phero cloud you bombed him with."'

I somewhere feel same because of our month long conversations on phone prior to meeting.

 

 :Emoticons10311:

Just my 2 cents.  

"Not 2 cents , you were bang on . Keep helping me with your insights. I might post some questions or you soon. Thanks for stopping by, reading and helping here. :)

 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

 - my opinion is that for this type of man feeling out of control is way beyond what they are used to.  they the cappy alpha with leo moon is very serious and practical,  and the emotional stuff makes them uncomfortable - why would he like a woman he hardly knows?? Maybe he has not had any kind of feeling like he was experiencing  with you in a very long time. BUT at the same time their own feelings are strong  - and in their everyday life they control themselves and their environments - "contained' is a good descriptive word  I wonder if this man is private too-  not secretive just private.

At different points in conversation  he mentioned me all this. i am so surprised you read him so well. And the part , like a women he hardly knows- is the best and the sigh when he said it. Lol. He is extremely private. Told me already. He said " Its not necessary that i will be blending with your pals in your life or family. I wont because i cant , I would just want my time with you and the things we will do together. I wont stop you doing whatever with them but i may not be part of it". I simply agree as i am fine with my own space beyond him and wouldn't want him around 24*7.

 

4 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

the texting - well when he's ready to text it's all go - but if he's busy it's almost like he never even heard of you - i find that confusing BUT i think a lot of men are the same way.... 

 He texted me yesterday- when i didnt reposnd to his morning message- Thinking of you in the midst of this busy office. 

lol - he is making sure even he touch me somehow , when he refuse to communicate. Contradicting behavior but shows his tension.

4 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

be warm and kind, be open to finding out about him - what is he all about? Do you like what is all about in a few months when you know him better, will you still like him? and don't assume on his part - ask him for definitions 

We do this- asd definitions and what we mean when we say something. he is the one to set the pattern and i followed. :)

 

4 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

go slow  one step at a time -   and stay on top of your own life, don't neglect yourself - got my fingers crossed for ya

Relationship is organic and evolve with time. Though i am feeling things are bit fast, but if thats how they meant to be, i wont struggle, better let it be. 

 

Thanks for you time to read and respond. It helps a lot. :)

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1 hour ago, hedgehog said:

Wow, great story! Please keep us updated!

 

If he was feeling like he was having trouble controlling himself and it's making him worried about being around you, it might be good to ease up on the cops a bit.

I want to reduce cops next time. Go with social , or leather or something totally a mad mix. Let me figure out in due time.

 

 

Quote

 

 

My impression from what you're writing is that this guy is used to being logical and in control of his emotions, so feeling so completely out of control is scaring him.  But he can't resist! But he's terrified! But he can't stop thinking about you! And so on - he's in turmoil.

I so feel for his turmoil and don't  know how i can help. :(

Quote

 

My impression of with guys like this is that their "armor" is their control over their  thoughts and emotions, but they're big softies in the inside. They're stoic and rational, and that's become a part of their identity. But you've somehow gotten past that and now he can't stop feeling these really strong emotions and he can't get you out of his mind. It's disquieting, like having a stranger popping up at the foot of your bed at 3 am in the morning.  And now that you have his heart, you could do a lot of damage, and he's scared.

He said this that giving someone power over me is scary. It should not happen or only happen when you know the person really well over the years 

This rational word is staple in every two sentence he speak and each one i speak :)

So we both are overwhelmed with each other and so looking forward to forge this relationship. I am no less scared or unsure of things right now. I am willing to along whatever comes my way.

 

Quote

 

I agree with raydee - reassure him that you care about him, be warm, accepting, and basically help his logical side come around to where his emotions are. Once his rational side sees that you're a good partner for him, his internal conflict should ease and hopefully he can embrace the romance wholeheartedly. Good luck!

 

Neither romance come easily to me nor emotions. I have my rational streak so dominant in me that i hardly connect with emotions. I am doing my efforts. 

 

 

Edited by Magnanimity
typos

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Beside all the above, My side of story is , i am ENTP speaking. So you know how this story is like what it is. I am Virgo sun and Aries moon and ascendant both. 

All these gives little insights, we all are way more complicated then MBTI tells us or sun signs describe us. I just know i am connecting with this man so looking forward to be with him. There are other aspects of my life which might affect us. I want to keep everything segregated so i take small steps and build everything back. . 

I am struggling in my career. Its extremely tough and have to remove my debt and loans. The moment i saw the sale here in LP i connected with Mara because i so much need the magic in my life. and now i find it happening at least in relationship area. I so looking forward to have my mystery box and magic in my career and finances too. 

 

@SnoopyaceThis is for you- I am between the jobs and not in best of financial position. I haven't told this man any of this so far. I am juggling between telling and not telling. telling now or at a later stage. Any thoughts? i am seeking answer within and outside. 

I don't want to tell him fearing he might get me wrong and doubt my intentions. I have no goal to get financial support from him or anyone. I am self made and want to remain such. At the same time, i fear he will dislike it if he gets to know reality later. It will affect us later that i was not open enough and didn't trust him enough all along. I made it very clear to him, in initial 2 -3 conversations that i want a man in life not because i need him to do things for me because I WANT a companion to do things together. I am capable enough to suffice my needs. and at that he said it might be a problem for us , cos where and how will he BE in my life then? what will he do and where and how would i want him?  But he added he will handle it. and i need to be open and give him space in my life. He simply said - "Be open and let me in". So that what i tried to do when we met and hence the selection of mones . so i went with open and accepting vibe.

 

All of you who are interested in this story so far, may want to answer and help me with my choice. Would be great to know what you think i should do ? Looking forward to more support here.

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Honesty is the best policy.  Be open and honest about your situation.

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17 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

i fear he will dislike it if he gets to know reality later. It will affect us later that i was not open enough and didn't trust him enough all along. I made it very clear to him, in initial 2 -3 conversations

 

14 hours ago, Snoopyace said:

Honesty is the best policy.  Be open and honest about your situation.

 

 

I am going to say this - I think you should wait beyond 2-3 conversations. I am not saying be dishonest or untruthful, just wait for a while longer. 

My reasoning 1 - the economy is good, you could find something soon, then no need to say anything.

 

2- do you give people you really don't know your financial report? - no - why is this any different - after all you could get a new situation in a few weeks.

 

3- in time if things are getting more friendly - NOT SEX - but moving closer then you can discuss this but don't be surprised if he wants to look at your resume and fix it all up.

 

4 men who have been "burned" financially in connection with romance can be super antsy and sometimes keep a running tab in their minds

 

5- just because he he feeling a high from the novelty doesn't mean it will keep on going- brains can only handle so much dopamine before they need a break - then well Reality 

 

6.- wait for the sex see if there is real intimacy on his part - make sure he is decided that he is connected to you 

 

not trying to put a damper on anything .... i just have seen a similar situation from a far everything seemed like it was going good she was super gorgeous had a fantastic job, was funny and good and smart but he just could not make the real connection   and she wound up heart broken

But I do know someone in another situation - and that one is a fairy tale, when they 1st meet she thought I am just going to get to know him and he can get to know me... he made THE most important connection of his with her and is happier than he was when he was a young guy..... now well it's better than Cinderella!!

 

go slowly one step at a time

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48 minutes ago, raydee8_love said:

 

 

 

I am going to say this - I think you should wait beyond 2-3 conversations. I am not saying be dishonest or untruthful, just wait for a while longer. 

My reasoning 1 - the economy is good, you could find something soon, then no need to say anything.

 Anticipating something. I thought similar, no need if i get something soon and then i wont matter at all. 

48 minutes ago, raydee8_love said:

 

2- do you give people you really don't know your financial report? - no - why is this any different - after all you could get a new situation in a few weeks.

Exactly, even if i tell at a later stage, its understandable that it was too early to tell such things at that time. 

48 minutes ago, raydee8_love said:

 

3- in time if things are getting more friendly - NOT SEX - but moving closer then you can discuss this but don't be surprised if he wants to look at your resume and fix it all up.

I cant say, he is in forces with any connectivity outside to help such a matter. If this happens i have no worry showing up my resume. i am good there.

48 minutes ago, raydee8_love said:

 

4 men who have been "burned" financially in connection with romance can be super antsy and sometimes keep a running tab in their minds

 

5- just because he he feeling a high from the novelty doesn't mean it will keep on going- brains can only handle so much dopamine before they need a break - then well Reality 

 

6.- wait for the sex see if there is real intimacy on his part - make sure he is decided that he is connected to you 

Yesterday night on texts, he was again sharing his feelings. He says my mind says wait but my heart says hold you and just kiss you right away. I sleep and wake up thinking about you. As i am not there and have to wait till i meet you next and see what happens. I the feel is same i will surrender to the moment. He indicated that he might just grab me and kiss me next time we meet. He says his world has gone topsy turvy with his struggle between heart and mind.  Knowing himself he want to take some years to decide things but his heart wants to jump right away. I just heard him and said nothing.

 

48 minutes ago, raydee8_love said:

 

not trying to put a damper on anything .... i just have seen a similar situation from a far everything seemed like it was going good she was super gorgeous had a fantastic job, was funny and good and smart but he just could not make the real connection   and she wound up heart broken

But I do know someone in another situation - and that one is a fairy tale, when they 1st meet she thought I am just going to get to know him and he can get to know me... he made THE most important connection of his with her and is happier than he was when he was a young guy..... now well it's better than Cinderella!!

 

go slowly one step at a time

He is a man i know he would want to rush things to intimacy and bed. i want to go slow and take sweet time to see how things progress. one thing he already mentioned is he wants committed relationship but doesn''t want to get married soon or ever at all. dread the legal thing. so i need to see what his definition of togetherness is in that case. 

 

And thanks for all the help. It helped me clear up my mind about telling or not telling :)

will keep you posted about the progress and other mone experiences as well.  

 

 

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Hi, 

 

Some update. Through out this weekend this guy was on calls with me. Audio and video both. Kept on asking how you want to take things further. I took it easy and communicated same that how we feel is good but let things flow. He asked me when we plan to meet next. ( Last visit he said he will have a work related visit next month). I kept it vague by saying whenever your trip and we will see if possible for me to find time and meet. He said he plans to kiss me next time, that's how he feel and strongly feel, I may refuse if i am comfortable and he will respect it. ( shocker, how can someone declare that, such precise planning? or what it is? ) Now i got his call today morning ( another shocker) that he is visiting town tomorrow for work. He asked me my time . I confirmed to see him one day out of his two days trip. Tomorrow evening for coffee and dinner though i can meet both the days but i want to go little slow. 

Now i need to plan my weapon options - 

Leather (with cops

Dom ( un with cops)

some additional Bnol

I plan this mix because i want him to see my strong side this time . I want to discourage his advances as he planning. 

Pls suggest some combinations which may work well. (open to all suggestions)

Thanks everyone :)

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Magnanimity
added word

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Some more updates from the day. 

He called and exchanged messages to decided the stay and booking and how and where we meeting. After much planning, we found common 3 hour window where we can catch up. I observed he was changing plans and locations repeatedly, and if its not working out lets not meet. I said that's totally fine , maybe another time. i was nonchalant during conversation wherein i could sense little manipulation happening at his side. His planning meeting time, place, was changing as he was getting updates from office. I doubt that was the truth or maybe i am totally wrong. Then he asked me how i want to spent time. I gave outdoor options and places to dine. he said order in a hotel room so , its a place to sit and talk at ease. I refused politely , as i am not ready to get in that zone. He said fine , take your time but i had no intentions of any kind, but relaxation. I said maybe another time, and then lastly he changed his entire plan later in evening. he said he will back same day and not stay another day. not dine out , just coffee and will confirm if meeting at all or not. His meeting may extend, and if he get out within time, he will call me and i can rush to meet him. another possibility is his friends may catch him and he will not be able to come at all. :) I remain nonchalant, so he says, he will call me 1 hour before our decided time to confirm if he is coming or not. Last minute plans and change of plans all day long and last minute decision to call to confirm the date. Something seems not right :). before saying final bye for the day he said on text that he is not desperate or in hurry but is eager to take things forward with me. 

 

Any thoughts?

 

P.S - I will be editing the post soon as i have written things word to word which might not be healthy for me ;)

 

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4 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

order in a hotel room so , its a place to sit and talk at ease.

ummmm NO NO NO - 

 

4 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

I refused politely , as i am not ready to get in that zone

good lady - don't let anyone rush you 

 

4 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

I said that's totally fine , maybe another time.

yes !!! this was not on the docket  it's extra last time it was in one month and now it's

 

4 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

i can rush to meet him.

is this a good plan for you?? 

 

4 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

Something seems not right :). before saying final bye for the day he said on text that he is not desperate or in hurry but is eager to take things forward with me. 

well he would be an idiot not to try - right?  relax in a hotel room - what with his trousers off?  giving you a massage??

but you can tell him that you are glad that the 2 of you seem to have a really good connection and that it feels so good when you are connecting 

you can also tell him that you want to get to know him better and you want him to learn what you are all about 

tell him that a coffee date would be great and that you will be happy IF you both have the chance to see one another this time 

if you can't meet this time, for what ever reason, let him know that are looking forward to meeting him again when his plans won't be dictated by his work meeting as you know his work is very important to him- right?

 

I still recommend taking your time not in an artificial way but just making sure everything is kosher with this guy 

make sure you really like him, make sure you feel comfortable 

you can tell him you feel an attraction towards him - be warm and open but let him know that you are not ready for a hotel room

try to do active things as opposed to just sitting - like a gallery, walk in a cutesy area, visiting something of interest

find out about him? why he chose his profession, why he likes (insert hobby) and let him know stuff about you what are your hobbies, interests, books you have read, movies..... future plans, best memories of elementary school  

ask about his family ..... keep it positive 

I dont know about Dom or leather  -  i don't have any experience with them  but seems to be a good mix and yes to B-nol 

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5 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

Some more updates from the day. 

He called and exchanged messages to decided the stay and booking and how and where we meeting. After much planning, we found common 3 hour window where we can catch up. I observed he was changing plans and locations repeatedly, and if its not working out lets not meet. I said that's totally fine , maybe another time. i was nonchalant during conversation wherein i could sense little manipulation happening at his side. His planning meeting time, place, was changing as he was getting updates from office. I doubt that was the truth or maybe i am totally wrong. Then he asked me how i want to spent time. I gave outdoor options and places to dine. he said order in a hotel room so , its a place to sit and talk at ease. I refused politely , as i am not ready to get in that zone. He said fine , take your time but i had no intentions of any kind, but relaxation. I said maybe another time, and then lastly he changed his entire plan later in evening. he said he will back same day and not stay another day. not dine out , just coffee and will confirm if meeting at all or not. His meeting may extend, and if he get out within time, he will call me and i can rush to meet him. another possibility is his friends may catch him and he will not be able to come at all. :) I remain nonchalant, so he says, he will call me 1 hour before our decided time to confirm if he is coming or not. Last minute plans and change of plans all day long and last minute decision to call to confirm the date. Something seems not right :). before saying final bye for the day he said on text that he is not desperate or in hurry but is eager to take things forward with me. 

 

Any thoughts?

 

P.S - I will be editing the post soon as i have written things word to word which might not be healthy for me ;)

 

 

I would agree with you saying something seems like it isn't quite right.  Are you sure that he's not married?  There seems to be a lot of conditions and time limits to how and when he can see you.  I would give yourself more value and tell him that you can see him when he has more quality time to spend with you - not when he may or may not have an hour to spare.  That's just me, though. If someone wants to spend time with you, they should make you a priority, not an afterthought. 

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10 minutes ago, Kayla said:

I would agree with you saying something seems like it isn't quite right.  Are you sure that he's not married? 

uummmm - can you do a spokeo or what ever it's called using his name and phone number ?? 

 

just move slowly ....

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1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

ummmm NO NO NO - 

 

good lady - don't let anyone rush you 

 

yes !!! this was not on the docket  it's extra last time it was in one month and now it's

 

is this a good plan for you?? 

 

well he would be an idiot not to try - right?  relax in a hotel room - what with his trousers off?  giving you a massage??

but you can tell him that you are glad that the 2 of you seem to have a really good connection and that it feels so good when you are connecting 

you can also tell him that you want to get to know him better and you want him to learn what you are all about 

tell him that a coffee date would be great and that you will be happy IF you both have the chance to see one another this time 

if you can't meet this time, for what ever reason, let him know that are looking forward to meeting him again when his plans won't be dictated by his work meeting as you know his work is very important to him- right?

Sure, Would do. All points noted. 

 

1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

 

I still recommend taking your time not in an artificial way but just making sure everything is kosher with this guy 

make sure you really like him, make sure you feel comfortable 

you can tell him you feel an attraction towards him - be warm and open but let him know that you are not ready for a hotel room

try to do active things as opposed to just sitting - like a gallery, walk in a cutesy area, visiting something of interest

I suggested all that, gave him at least 5-6 such options and events in city. 

1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

find out about him? why he chose his profession, why he likes (insert hobby) and let him know stuff about you what are your hobbies, interests, books you have read, movies..... future plans, best memories of elementary school  

ask about his family ..... keep it positive 

He reveled yesterday on phone, he doesn't want his family to know, at least not in near future as they wont understand his idea of relationship. he doesn't like to get married at all as it binds people, but know what a commitment is. Togetherness and companionship should always be a choice and not a compulsion to go back to same person. 

1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

I don't know about Dom or leather  -  i don't have any experience with them  but seems to be a good mix and yes to B-nol 

 

I got a text from him today morning to change plan again. he would be staying back with his sister now so can see me only for 1 hour or so. and now wants me to come to his side of work. I think i should refuse the meeting this time politely. I am not feeling comfortable with all this thousand times plan change and making me go by his ways. Big no.

:) The plans should be mutually made not one persons feasibility, which i don't see happening here. 

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1 hour ago, Kayla said:

 

I would agree with you saying something seems like it isn't quite right.  Are you sure that he's not married?  There seems to be a lot of conditions and time limits to how and when he can see you.  I would give yourself more value and tell him that you can see him when he has more quality time to spend with you - not when he may or may not have an hour to spare.  That's just me, though. If someone wants to spend time with you, they should make you a priority, not an afterthought. 

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. Appreciate your gesture. I am exactly doing that and have made it clear to him in earlier conversations. I just got a text for another plan change, so i can see more during the day. I wont be going at all , if he wont make quality time and effort. 

 

will keep ya all posted:), 

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1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

uummmm - can you do a spokeo or what ever it's called using his name and phone number ?? 

 

just move slowly ....

I have direct connection, i can get his all the details check done. Know people who can get me all that. I think i get that done. and if i go at all today, i am so sure , i am wearing dom with less cops and Bnol :)

 

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1 hour ago, Magnanimity said:

He reveled yesterday on phone, he doesn't want his family to know, at least not in near future as they wont understand his idea of relationship. he doesn't like to get married at all as it binds people, but know what a commitment is. Togetherness and companionship should always be a choice and not a compulsion to go back to same person. 

 classic avoidant behavior ... and "his idea"' what does that mean??

bind you? - compulsion ?

okay it's still early  for any family involvement but  don't want them to know is hhhmmm.....

he is a grown man not a high school kid

just like another Cap with Leo moon i know ... 

keeping you at a distance

 

do not project your own fears on to him 

 

1 hour ago, Magnanimity said:

I just got a text for another plan change, so i can see more during the day. I wont be going at all , if he wont make quality time and effort. 

 you can always blame the equinox   but don't let him cause you to panic 

no fear, no blame, no recriminations, no hysteria 

you can always say since this wasn't planned maybe it just isn't the right time 

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2 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

 classic avoidant behavior ... and "his idea"' what does that mean??

bind you? - compulsion ?

okay it's still early  for any family involvement but  don't want them to know is hhhmmm.....

he is a grown man not a high school kid

just like another Cap with Leo moon i know ... 

keeping you at a distance

 

do not project your own fears on to him 

 

 you can always blame the equinox   but don't let him cause you to panic 

no fear, no blame, no recriminations, no hysteria 

you can always say since this wasn't planned maybe it just isn't the right time 

can i pm you , since i have more developments in the meantime and would like to have your insights? 

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Hi, 

 

So after the long day and text in morning, the date has gone for a toss. i was so looking forward to it but anyhow... when i politely refused to meet he insisted me to come, he also offered to go back to earlier plan and not go to his sister's (the plan he made in morning , on which the whole conversation started) I politely asked him to go ahead family and work is important. we were on text so i written all in soft and simple words. He called right away and insisted again me to meet.  When i repeated my thoughts he hung up on me. I felt bad but kept composed and hour later  just texted him to let me know when he reaches safely. He did. and then later sent me text that we can forget today's date and we shall meet whenever we have ample and leisure time and when we happen to be in same city. Though this was okay as thought but rude to say at such a time. Suddenly all interest was lost and reality hit hard.  I don't know what communication to do next. As i sent him last text and he replied the above rude message, I am going silent on this. I know he might be feeling bad as he was very excited to meet, so was i. :( I liked this man and felt things started to look up for me, at least one area of life. But knowing this behavior was an eye opener. He told me he has temperament, had major issues in life and with it with ex and other people.  I think everything happens for a reason. I came here and shared my story, things went well and not so well now. I don't know what next. But as i said will keep forum updated, i am doing. If i hear from him , will update, else maybe a love story died before it began :( 

 

 

Forget it and let me get my mystery box, and i may start my new tests. i have set my work right and my finances together, wish i could but i cant sit and sob, no time. Much to attend. 

 

 

Edited by Magnanimity

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2 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

he called right away and insisted again. When i repeated my thoughts he hung up me. I felt bad

 - I feel bad too !!! - hanging up on someone is unCapricorn , they are usually very contained 

 

2 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

and then later sent me text that we can forget it, and we shall meet whenever we have ample and leisure time and when we happen to be same city. Though this okay as thought but rude to say at such a time. Suddenly all interest lost and reality hit hard. 

 Lots of anger in this, lots of frustration too. Just happen to be in same city??  does that mean he won't be making any effort, or you come to him or by chance you meet in neutral territory??  - lost of interest - PANIC and retreat

Yes this was rude 

2 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

I am going silent on this. I know he might be feeling bad as he was very excited to meet, so was i.

I was looking forward to you seeing him again! yes he will be feeling bad and disappointment.... the come on fast part then completely change course  most likely is a pattern on his part .... 

I thought he was an introverted INJQRDUL??? what ever that personality thing is.... I don't think he does this at work - 

But again this is classic avoidant behavior - HE is Let down so HE needs to retreat 

2 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

He told me he has temperament had major issues in life and with it with ex and other people.

leo moon ... this is very typical most men do anger as the surface issue - usually it's something else, like fear, shame, pride,panic,  but anger is the only emotion they can do and it usually gets some kind of result  even if it's negative.

this again makes other people want to avoid him - avoidant behavior again

2 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

wish i could but i cant sit and sob, no time. Much to attend. 

make sure you give yourself sometime to work through the sadness and disappointment you are feeling  don't bottle it up and dont try to stuff it down  and yes attend to yourself, your business, your life, your friends, 

 

11 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

can i pm you , since i have more developments in the meantime and would like to have your insights? 

 i am so sorry i wasn't there ....  my heart is with you {{{hugs}}}

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Hi,

I am doing fine and not someone who would give up on anything so easily. I will be silent for a while and see if he comes around and about. If not i will see what to do. I will take my chance then. After ages i liked one man, though he is not perfect fit i would want to know him better before just letting go so easily. 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Magnanimity

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8 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

After ages i liked one man,

I know exactly what you mean - no they are not perfect - I have been very frustrated...... I realize that being angry just makes them retreat into their shells even more - so I try to remember to have compassion -then i remind myself I am a good woman and deserve good love

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@raydee8_love i dont understand what you mean to say? 

1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

 so I try to remember to have compassion -

 I may talk him once at least, but if he chooses not to respond, i will let go. 

1 hour ago, raydee8_love said:

 

then i remind myself I am a good woman and deserve good love

 I dont know what you trying to say here?

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19 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

I dont know what you trying to say here?

sometimes I feel frustrated 

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4 hours ago, raydee8_love said:

sometimes I feel frustrated 

 

Hi, Got you sweets. But patience is the best key in life that opens any lock. 

 

So the update is, I refrained from any communication for 2 days.  And later when i assumed he must have reached back, i sent very caring and soft three texts & the magic happened. He responded texts right away and called  after 30 mins time.  He was frustrated, bit angry and disappointed. But in minutes i could calm him down. He became usual self in 30 mins conversation. He finally said he missed me like hell and so much wanted to see me. I just refrained talking about the issue and told him we can talk about it later. He gave video call while driving to work today morning, which is the first time so far :) . My heart skipped a beat looking at him, he looked so handsome, fresh and wet hair (my weakness) ;)

 

 

Keeping positive and determined to work out things better for us. 

 

Edited by Magnanimity

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15 hours ago, Magnanimity said:

i sent very caring and soft three texts & the magic happened. He responded texts right away and called

oh my gosh that is so awesome 

 yes patience & compassion  and he misses you  and he's cute wet!!! 

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Hi, 

Yes, Things went back to normal. after whole day of texting. But end of it i am confused. he is planning a trip soon. He is also planning a stay which hints some intimate times. Very subtle thought but i observed hints. I am really wanting to know whats up his mind. All the men of the forum pls respond and give me some insights. By the end of the day he again lost his temper on me and blamed me for lecturing him, wherein i have not even touched the topic. he was talking about i didnt turn up and refused the meeting. i gave him descent reason , but he sounded upset. During day while texting he clearly said, he will be gone , if get stubborn on anything. I said similar. But contradicting himself he was planning a  move in together and how the house will be done, decor and rooms bla bla. I am totally confused and feeling he is already hurt somewhere, just covering up has no real motive of relationship. Maybe sex is his only goal and once he gets that the easiest approach could be show his temperament, so i only leave him alone. This guy could be a big time player or a seriously man in need of love and care and compassion. I need to be cautious and wise both now onward. If his ego is already bruised , he can turn out to be real bad for me. Just weighing both the sides, i could be totally wrong but this is what i am feeling as of now.

 

Any insight and suggestions from men and women are welcome.

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On 9/23/2019 at 6:58 PM, Magnanimity said:

I am not feeling comfortable with all this thousand times plan change and making me go by his ways. Big no.

Reading through this thread, I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling. @Kayla had a point, is he married? Anyone switching plans around like that, rapid fire, is up to something.

 

On 9/25/2019 at 9:10 PM, Magnanimity said:

He was frustrated, bit angry and disappointed. But in minutes i could calm him down. He became usual self in 30 mins conversation. He finally said he missed me like hell and so much wanted to see me.

Didn't you just meet him in person like two weeks prior to this? What is he so frustrated about? Not having sex on demand in a hotel? Because you've been internet pen pals for a few months? And if you wouldn't meet him in a hotel you don't even have a full meal with him, just coffee? What is that? How many dates have you been on so far? Less than 20? Because a man doesn't get to be angry with me within the first two weeks of us meeting and get to see me again. Especially if he was the one jumping around all willy nilly with half assed plans. If you've been dating less than a few weeks and he's already acting out, what kind of controlling jerk will he be in a year or two?

 

On 9/23/2019 at 6:58 PM, Magnanimity said:

he doesn't want his family to know, at least not in near future as they wont understand his idea of relationship. he doesn't like to get married at all as it binds people, but know what a commitment is. Togetherness and companionship should always be a choice and not a compulsion to go back to same person. 

Um, what? He doesn't want his family to know about you? Because his family includes his wife? That would certainly explain his feelings about not getting married. (Again.)

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Posted (edited)
On 9/25/2019 at 9:10 PM, Magnanimity said:

He finally said he missed me like hell and so much wanted to see me.

This man is a narcissist and he is looking for his next victim. They come on real strong like this. He can pretend to be whatever you want because he's studied you online and is pretending to be what you want. All he wants is for you to let down your guard and let him control you. But normal men don't "confess" that they miss a woman like hell so early in a relationship. 

Didn't he also say he doesn't want to get involved with your friends? That's another classic narcissist move. They don't hang with your friends because your real friends won't like him and his controlling vibe. Narcs isolate their victims slowly from their friends and family so they have no where to turn when shit hits the fan. 

On 9/24/2019 at 6:58 AM, Magnanimity said:

When i repeated my thoughts he hung up on me.

Um, no. Not now, not ever: Bye. If you don't say what he want, he cuts you off? Is he a kindergarten bully or a man hoping to get another date? This is narc training, if you upset him, you're done until you do what he wants. Don't bother to go through the training.

On 9/24/2019 at 6:58 AM, Magnanimity said:

. He told me he has temperament, had major issues in life and with it with ex and other people.

Ah, he's letting you know that his behavior will be bad but it will be different with you! You're the one person who can understand him and save him. He needs you. Just do exactly what he says and he won't have violent outbursts. I bet you he can tell you about how all his ex's were crazy and make you feel bad for him.

On 9/26/2019 at 1:28 PM, Magnanimity said:

By the end of the day he again lost his temper on me and blamed me for lecturing him, wherein i have not even touched the topic.

Narcs like to blame their victims for imaginary problems, and confuse them about what they themselves are doing or saying. A few more months of this and you'll start remembering things how he tells you to remember them.

On 9/26/2019 at 1:28 PM, Magnanimity said:

contradicting himself he was planning a  move in together and how the house will be done, decor and rooms bla bla. I am totally confused

A move-in? No. First of all, narcs don't let go of their last victims until they've groomed the new one, so whoever he'd be leaving for you will end up on your front lawn and she won't go away.  He can convince you that she's insane because she'll certainly act that way, because he's made her crazy. But if you act up, he'll threaten to go back to her.

Secondly, he's just yanking your chain. He wouldn't move in with you until he knew that he had lowered your self-esteem enough that you'll let him do whatever he wants. The fact that you're questioning him here means you're still sane. Talk to your real life friends and family about his behavior. Tell him if he really wants to be with you, he needs to get to know them, too. A real narcissist will do either one of three things:

1) meet them all and charm the hell out of them all so they'll tell you that you're crazy any time you bring up any red flags, or

2) dissapear completely, or

3) keep promising to meet them, but somehow it will never work out.

Girl, run! He's a narc. If he's not a narc, at best, he's a controlling, immature, violent man with zero relationship and communication skills. Take a hard pass!

 

 

 

Edited by Eastwood22

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48 minutes ago, Eastwood22 said:

Girl, run! He's a narc. If he's not a narc, at best, he's a controlling, immature, violent man with zero relationship and communication skills. Take a hard pass!

^^^^ This!

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