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aniko

Help: with ex who represses his feelings/affection

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Okay, i know I know firstly that you cannot create emotions with pheros, and that it is very important to play upon congruent feelings that already exist, which is why I ask for help in this ever-delicate situation!

 

My ex (love of my life as it were) and I have been apart for 5 months because we felt we needed to grow independently and also had had some baggage (he cheated while struggling with personal issues a few years ago and that created a rocky aftermath, but he grew as a person and evolved far from that). We have both dated, and i know that he only has wanted casual dating with girls, but he is the type of guy who has a hard time doing that because he starts to care for someone that he's spending time with just by virtue of emotional familiarity.

He has been seeing one girl casually consistently, and we still see each other because we are both free agents, but he has said he refuses to engage in intimacy with me because he knows it is "too dangerous" and he cannot just be casual with me. And yet I see him gradually growing more attached to his casual fling/s, and I just feel that his discrimination to me (because of our rich history and his fear that he would become emotionally roped in to seriousness with me again) is risking throwing away an amazingly special connection we have (that he's admitted is far beyond anything he has with other girls).

 

I know i know I know I cannot make him want to try a go with me again if he's not feeling it at this point, but i feel that he blocks his feelings of affection for me because of his prejudice against falling for me, and I want to take down those walls. I want to bring out the affection we have for each other and that is just being pushed away by him, and I want us to be able to be emotionally vulnerable and loving towards each other. He openly says he deeply cares about me and that I don't have to worry about other women, but I am just heartbroken that we are unable to express our affection for each other and embrace it.

 

I have Perfect Match, but the reviews on the forum that talk about this repelling "commitment phobic" men makes me scared to use it....do you think I should give it a shot with occo or will this repel him??

 

My full arsenal:

-Perfect Match (I actually got a great hit from him months ago on this but his detachment from his feelings has grown since then)

-Cuddle Bunny (never got anything out of the ordinary around him with this)

- Red Lace & Lace

- La Femme Mystere

- Treasured Hearts

- Open Windows

- BAM

- Gotcha

-Blatant Invitation

-OCCO white

 

If PM is too risky then I'm thinking some promising options might be: TH + occo (but is TH too social/friendly to elicit loving/sexual affection?); some combo with Lace; some combo with Gotcha?

 

I considered Blatant invitation to just force down his puritan barrier, but I'm nervous that it might backfire and the sexuality not be tempered enough with affection?

 

Thank you for reading this far if you have loves :) :) :) and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Edited by aniko

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I know i know I know I cannot make him want to try a go with me again if he's not feeling it at this point, but i feel that he blocks his feelings of affection for me because of his prejudice against falling for me, and I want to take down those walls. I want to bring out the affection and sexual attraction we have for each other and that is just being pushed away by him, and I want us to be able to be emotionally vulnerable and loving towards each other. He openly says he deeply cares about me and that I don't have to worry about other women, but I am just heartbroken that we are unable to express our affection for each other and embrace it.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but the bolded here is rather contradictory here, and trying to make a sexual touchy feely bond when you say you know you'll never get back together if he's really an ex and has already been seeing someone else sounds like a very bad idea. For all I know he's only saying there aren't other women to make you feel less bad over this, and face it, if I were to be friends again with an ex the last thing I would want to do is bring sexual attraction back in to the mix, especially since I know it's over-then again my personality accommodates being over and done with with people more easily than others.

 

Personally? I think you need to go through the grieving process-which is painful and tough and it sucks, and at most use a phero that has nothing to do with sexual attraction if you are going to continue dealing with him as a friend. If you have a hard time dealing with him as friends only maybe you need time alone without him.

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I guess i wasn't clear... our current separation is greatly a factor of our age/feeling that we are young and need to experience life single (or 20s male reluctance to be tied down situation), and he talks about me being a match for him with whom he sees himself once he shakes himself from this phase, but while he is in the phase of not wanting to have anything more than casual relations he does not want to mess with fire and be tempted back into getting serious with me when he knows it's not where he's at right now. Edit though, I should not being going for a sexual connection, my priority is for us to be able to be emotionally intimate and express our affections, being both on the same page that it currently has not implications of a serious relationship right now. The forced walls are what I'm trying to overcome.

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It is difficult if not impossible to diagnose a relationship without being in it. But if we are strictly talking phero diagnosis here I would say without a doubt Gotcha!

Good luck aniko I sincerely hope you achieve the best outcome...whatever that may be!

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I guess i wasn't clear... our current separation is greatly a factor of our age/feeling that we are young and need to experience life single (or 20s male reluctance to be tied down situation), and he talks about me being a match for him with whom he sees himself once he shakes himself from this phase, but while he is in the phase of not wanting to have anything more than casual relations he does not want to mess with fire and be tempted back into getting serious with me when he knows it's not where he's at right now. Edit though, I should not being going for a sexual connection, my priority is for us to be able to be emotionally intimate and express our affections, being both on the same page that it currently has not implications of a serious relationship right now. The forced walls are what I'm trying to overcome.

 

Bolded for emphasis. I consider that more of an alarm bell than assurance, really. However, because a lot of people, including myself, leave many things out when asking for advice online then there is only so much I can assume or comment on, and I don't know what his side is here. But people do change, and not always in ways you might find favorable to your interests, as I've noticed the past few months. I just hope you'll be careful, and whatever happens you learn from this experience no matter how it turns out. I'm sure Dolly and other people here would be more helpful than me in giving out advice.

 

ETA: However, if someone stated they didn't want to get emotionally involved with me, I would respect that. Likewise, I would prefer the same from other people if I said that to them.

Edited by Queen of Swords

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See, I think the Perfect Match would be good for what you're wanting. Since you guys have a history and he sees you as a match for him, I wouldn't think it would drive him off. (I vaguely remember the thread you're referring to; if i recall correctly, the Perfect Match in that situation was worn early on). If it does scare him off, then that is valuable information to you on how to proceed with him. My (distant) second choice would be Gotcha.

 

Good luck!

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I have to say I kinda of agree with where QofS is. I can only go off what you have posted so- based on that- it sounds as though you're trying to make him do SOMETHING (sexual or emotional) that he doesn't want to... Do you really want to do that? If pheros are going to TRICK him into doing, being or feeling against his will, do you really want that? It sounds to me analogous to: someone wronging you, they see you're mad, they ask why, you tell them, and they say "GEE SORRY" all sarcastically. You got the result you wanted, but not the WAY you wanted- the fact that they didn't want to do it kind of delegitimizes or at least sure cheapens it, no?

I wouldn't say all this if I hadn't been on both sides of it - many times - and it's never turned out to be a good thing. The likeliest result is resentment.

All that said - if none of the above matters - I would say PM and Gotcha are the obvious go-tos.

Edited by tyvey

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I have to say I kinda of agree with where QofS is. I can only go off what you have posted so- based on that- it sounds as though you're trying to make him do SOMETHING (sexual or emotional) that he doesn't want to... Do you really want to do that? If pheros are going to TRICK him into doing, being or feeling against his will, do you really want that? It sounds to me analogous to: someone wronging you, they see you're mad, they ask why, you tell them, and they say "GEE SORRY" all sarcastically. You got the result you wanted, but not the WAY you wanted- the fact that they didn't want to do it kind of delegitimizes or at least sure cheapens it, no?

 

If the OP was more blunt about still being in love with him and wanting him back maybe I'd have a few less problems. Maybe. And I'm not against wearing stuff like PM or Gotcha! around men you want, but under these circumstances, perhaps not, unless you're at a social gathering to have fun with other people.

 

And I'm saying this as a type who retains their resentments and bitterness very well, but I have had to learn to deal with this kind of thing and move on-or to be more accurate, avoid people I've had fallouts with. Believe me, I know the denial phase really well, but it's important to learn how to handle this so your actions don't only revolve around your own fantasies and wants.

Edited by Queen of Swords

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I'm the poster who noted the effect on commitment phobics. I'd say this still is your perfect choice, you dont want to be dancing around playing games with one. Having tried for many years to make something work, i can say it isn't worth the effort. Far better to be with someone who actually wants to be with you.

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he talks about me being a match for him with whom he sees himself once he shakes himself from this phase, but while he is in the phase of not wanting to have anything more than casual relations he does not want to mess with fire and be tempted back into getting serious with me when he knows it's not where he's at right now.

 

OK, here goes......

 

If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I would tell him....."don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out"......because it sounds like this man is telling you that you are his "match" (but only after he is finished doing his "thing") in order to keep you "on the hook"......he wants to know that when he is finished being young and stupid, and is ready for a relationship, that you will be there, waiting for him with open arms.....it is sick, really. I PERSONALLY think you should move on from him.....you can still be friends, but go ahead and grieve the ending of the relationship so you can move on. See other men, find someone worthy of you, and not one who will want to play games with your head and heart.

 

 

Now, if you want pheros to help the two of you COMMUNICATE, I would go with Treasured Hearts or Open windows. I would NOT (NOT NOT NOT) add any sexual blends to the issue (like BI, BAM, OCCO, Cuddle Bunny, etc).....that is simply playing with fire in this situation. I would use the pheros ONLY to encourage open communication, NOT SEX. Treasured Hearts is very good for bonding.....I would go with that first, Open Windows secondly.

 

 

There again, my MAIN advice is that HE IS PLAYING WITH YOU. He wants you to wait for him.....oh sure, you can both see other people, but he wants your HEART to remain with him. SICK. I don't think you should allow yourself to be played in that way.

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That's not to say i changed my mind re perfect match, i still think it's perfect, then just don't try and change him, move on. the fact you were scared of his neg reaction bothered me, don't let what you want to happen get in the way of seeing what he is telling you pretty clearly.

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OK, here goes......

 

If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I would tell him....."don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out"......because it sounds like this man is telling you that you are his "match" (but only after he is finished doing his "thing") in order to keep you "on the hook"......he wants to know that when he is finished being young and stupid, and is ready for a relationship, that you will be there, waiting for him with open arms.....it is sick, really. I PERSONALLY think you should move on from him.....you can still be friends, but go ahead and grieve the ending of the relationship so you can move on. See other men, find someone worthy of you, and not one who will want to play games with your head and heart.

 

 

Now, if you want pheros to help the two of you COMMUNICATE, I would go with Treasured Hearts or Open windows. I would NOT (NOT NOT NOT) add any sexual blends to the issue (like BI, BAM, OCCO, Cuddle Bunny, etc).....that is simply playing with fire in this situation. I would use the pheros ONLY to encourage open communication, NOT SEX. Treasured Hearts is very good for bonding.....I would go with that first, Open Windows secondly.

 

 

There again, my MAIN advice is that HE IS PLAYING WITH YOU. He wants you to wait for him.....oh sure, you can both see other people, but he wants your HEART to remain with him. SICK. I don't think you should allow yourself to be played in that way.

 

Exactly my thoughts

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OK, here goes......

.....because it sounds like this man is telling you that you are his "match" (but only after he is finished doing his "thing") in order to keep you "on the hook".....

 

 

 

 

There again, my MAIN advice is that HE IS PLAYING WITH YOU. He wants you to wait for him.....oh sure, you can both see other people, but he wants your HEART to remain with him. SICK. I don't think you should allow yourself to be played in that way.

 

 

This times 1000. Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? Would you ever be able to feel secure with him?

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This times 1000. Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with?

Or even be friends, IMO...

 

don't let what you want to happen get in the way of seeing what he is telling you pretty clearly.

:yeahthat: This is what I meant about trying to change his attitude/behavior/intentions 180 degrees.

 

grieve the ending of the relationship so you can move on. See other men, find someone worthy of you, and not one who will want to play games with your head and heart.

If you do this, please prepare to be vigilant with your intentions... For example, seeing other people in the hopes of 'making him see what he's missing' or 'making him jealous' is unlikely to work and guaranteed will only make you feel even worse. Take it from someone who's done it (and had it done to her)...

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If you do this, please prepare to be vigilant with your intentions... For example, seeing other people in the hopes of 'making him see what he's missing' or 'making him jealous' is unlikely to work and guaranteed will only make you feel even worse. Take it from someone who's done it (and had it done to her)...

 

Absolutely....you must be honest with yourself and your intentions.....

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Aniko,

IMHO he sounds like a ex of mine , he sees you as the "Banker" always there......

What ever you do don't let this be your experience as it will colour other relationships down the line which is unfair .

Good luck i hope it works out .

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The wise and wonderful Dolly has spoken!! I totally agree! You're young, he's obviously NOT "the one" and you need to allow yourself to move on.

 

I would cut all ties and wear scents and pheros that make YOU feel wonderful! Get out there with your friends and see what you see!

 

Now, this being said, I've been in your shoes, I didn't follow the above advice, and I wasted a lot of time. But, I learned a lot about myself, and here I am, a wise crone giving you advice! LOL!!

 

Please, at lease take some time away from the situation, and I mean a good chunk of time. A few months, a change of season, a year even. If it's truly meant to be, he will come around. And, when he does, you can DECIDE if you still want him.

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That *is* the upside of being a wizened crone: the wizeness... sending out love to all the strong, wise women of LP! Aniko, I cannot add more... and I have to agree. If this is meant to be, it will be and you cannot worry it into fruition. No thing before it's time. Be good to yourself first, and let the rest fall out as it must.

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I spent 4 years of my life waiting for a guy like that. And then 4 more years in a on-again, off-again relationship with him, because he still couldn't decide what he wanted. Now here I am, almost 39 years old, and wondering "what the hell..." I strongly urge you to listen the advice above. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. So do I :Hug_emoticon:

 

But, your post wasn't really asking for that kind of advice. If I were back in those shoes, I'd probably try Gotcha... Good luck!

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i like and agree all the messages communicated by these wise ladies...

this guy sounds selfish... I am sorry but you need to move on in your own path without any expectation of him being there for you emotionally.You feel there is something special between you and him, but you will feel the same with another guy given time. You are in denial stage where you hold on to his words and over analyze everything he says. Some times people say things to smooth the tension and they may mean well and they do mean it at that moment, but you have to judge how sincere he is by his ACTIONS but WORDS. The fact of the matter is that he is getting more involved with another girl... sooo.. yeh... I do not think he is that into you to be frank.... I mean many women have been in your positions, so do not feel humilated or frustrated, just move on and improve yourself in all aspects of life : career, health, finance, relationships. And when he is ready or if you guys are really meant to be together, he will come to you ... instead of you chasing him around.

 

I highly recommend you to read the book 'the rules' - teaching women to be elusive and not getting emotionally addicted to a man too fast too hard.

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I also agree with all these lovely ladies but also know when you're determined you're determined.

I would try perfect match and open windows to have a meaningful chat with him and BAM if you want emotional intimacy and then all the sexy stuff too.

Edited by Indigo

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I wasted 5 years of my life in relationship with a guy like that. FIVE YEARS. (That's a really long time, and a lot of my precious youth that I gave to that douche!). And yes, I do mean "wasted". I sure learned a lot, looking at the situation in retrospect. But it did such damage to my view of relationships that it made the ones I had after him difficult. I could never simply relax and trust that the guy I was with *truly* wanted to be there with me. And that's a profoundly shitty feeling. And I haven't even mentioned the self-esteem issues it created in me.

 

I can't agree with Dolly, Lynne & Molls more. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I say, take the damned cake away. He doesn't deserve it. And neither do you. I'm sorry to say it because I know it's not what you want to hear, and I know it's frustrating and it hurts, but I strongly believe this guy is just wasting your time. I also strongly believe that both you and Time are way too precious to be strung along and wasted this way.

 

 

 

 

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it did such damage to my view of relationships that it made the ones I had after him difficult. I could never simply relax and trust that the guy I was with *truly* wanted to be there with me. And that's a profoundly shitty feeling.

and this, exactly, is what we're trying to spare you with all the advice :)

Edited by tyvey

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Sigh, you guys are right. I know, even if he says he cares about me more than anyone, there's a reason he's seeing someone else, and it's that for some reason he wants to be more attached to them than to me now. It's comforting (/very lame and unfortunate at same time!) that a lot of you can relate to the situation. it takes a special kind of self-control to turn away and move on, but I probably should continue to take that route. Oh life!

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Sigh, you guys are right. I know, even if he says he cares about me more than anyone, there's a reason he's seeing someone else, and it's that for some reason he wants to be more attached to them than to me now. It's comforting (/very lame and unfortunate at same time!) that a lot of you can relate to the situation. it takes a special kind of self-control to turn away and move on, but I probably should continue to take that route. Oh life!

 

You hang in there! It will all work out as it should.....you will find someone who truly cherishes you and only you.....stay strong!

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The combined wisdom and experience here is incredible,learn from it if you can :clapW2: ...and while I have nothing to say that has not been said, I wish you peace and healing.

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OK, here goes......

 

If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I would tell him....."don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out"......because it sounds like this man is telling you that you are his "match" (but only after he is finished doing his "thing") in order to keep you "on the hook"......he wants to know that when he is finished being young and stupid, and is ready for a relationship, that you will be there, waiting for him with open arms.....it is sick, really. I PERSONALLY think you should move on from him.....you can still be friends, but go ahead and grieve the ending of the relationship so you can move on. See other men, find someone worthy of you, and not one who will want to play games with your head and heart.

 

 

Now, if you want pheros to help the two of you COMMUNICATE, I would go with Treasured Hearts or Open windows. I would NOT (NOT NOT NOT) add any sexual blends to the issue (like BI, BAM, OCCO, Cuddle Bunny, etc).....that is simply playing with fire in this situation. I would use the pheros ONLY to encourage open communication, NOT SEX. Treasured Hearts is very good for bonding.....I would go with that first, Open Windows secondly.

 

 

There again, my MAIN advice is that HE IS PLAYING WITH YOU. He wants you to wait for him.....oh sure, you can both see other people, but he wants your HEART to remain with him. SICK. I don't think you should allow yourself to be played in that way.

 

Thank you Dolly-in fact I wish someone told me something like this months ago. This thread has evolved to the point where I know l am more than justified in dropping someone completely out of my life and FB pre-banning before it ever got even close to that level. I really don't need passive Dorian Grey level bullshit based on nostalgia in my life right now.

Edited by Queen of Swords

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Time for the old married guy to chime in.

 

The ladies have said it all. He is keeping you on an emotional string while he plays around. If he isn't willing to commit, move on and find someone worth your time.

 

Easiest relationship advice I have given yet.

 

Time for a beer after all that hard work.

Edited by quietguy

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You hang in there! It will all work out as it should.....you will find someone who truly cherishes you and only you.....stay strong!

 

This!!!! Onwards and upwards, my dear!

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Dolly posted what i was thinking really. I'm sure you deserve much better than this.

 

I so agree, I settled in a marriage that was an existence, not one of love... At this point in my life I will not settle for anything but the best, and if I can not find that, I'm good with being by myself, because I will not change to be with someone who is a player and expects you to drop everything for him

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...because I will not change to be with someone who is a player and expects you to drop everything for him

 

THIS, and what the other ladies here said.

 

by Annie Lennox has helped me the past few weeks (I can't seem to find the official vid on YouTube for some reason right now). Edited by Queen of Swords

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THIS, and what the other ladies here said.

 

by Annie Lennox has helped me the past few weeks (I can't seem to find the official vid on YouTube for some reason right now).

 

Love that one...

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You guys are the best, ahh and unfortunately so right! and Quietguy, its good to hear one of the fellows chime in every once in a while :).

 

Damn nostalgia and attachments! I can't think of anything or anyone that will ever be worth all the emotional rollercoastering I've done over this one at this point. It sucks to hear so many ladies have regrets about this, but your older and wiser "been there done that" stories are talking me off the cliff, going to back off on this one..

 

Love you all for your kind words and support *bursts* :Emoticons04235: (creepy smiley, hehehe)

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You guys are the best, ahh and unfortunately so right! and Quietguy, its good to hear one of the fellows chime in every once in a while :).

 

Damn nostalgia and attachments! I can't think of anything or anyone that will ever be worth all the emotional rollercoastering I've done over this one at this point. It sucks to hear so many ladies have regrets about this, but your older and wiser "been there done that" stories are talking me off the cliff, going to back off on this one..

 

Love you all for your kind words and support *bursts* :Emoticons04235: (creepy smiley, hehehe)

 

The thing is, good relationships are not full of "emotional rollercoasting", nor should they be! Yes, there are emotional issues along the way, but love should not be difficult.....excessive "emotional rollercoasting" is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, not a healthy one!

Edited by Dolly

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You guys are the best, ahh and unfortunately so right! and Quietguy, its good to hear one of the fellows chime in every once in a while :).

 

Damn nostalgia and attachments! I can't think of anything or anyone that will ever be worth all the emotional rollercoastering I've done over this one at this point.

 

And Quietguy??? As well as being one of the fellows, not only am I also one of the guys, I am the only guy who answered haha!

 

The thing is, good relationships are not full of "emotional rollercoasting", nor should they be! Yes, there are emotional issues along the way, but love should not be difficult.....excessive "emotional rollercoasting" is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, not a healthy one!

 

Exactly. Healthy relationships should not be full of "emotional rollercoasting". Ups and downs, yes. Rolloercoaster, not so much.

 

But, to answer your question, I would be worth it. Wait, wait - I crack myself up ... :lol:

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I'm pretty late here, but I have experienced something similar. When my relationship was on the rocks and my long term boyfriend was "tired of trying" .... I found out later that he wanted to play the field and was exaggerating the issues he had with me.

 

I came to LP and gave perfect match a shot. I wore it around him and I can say it did respark his affection for me, which I was hoping he would do.

 

But let me tell you. I was livid at the idea of being thrown on the back burner and drew up an ultimatum. Its now or never. He may see you as a keeper, but you deserve better than being a stand by! If you must, I think perfect match would be ideal since prior to phero-ing him he was colder towards me and uninterested in making a relationship work.

Edited by MeriendaTime

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:yeahthat: What MT said... you don't deserve to be anyone's backburner/stand by. If he can't commit to you and wants to "play the field", he's not worth the time and damage to your self-esteem.

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I'm with the ladies on this matter. Sending you hugs and love which you might need during this period.

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You ladies are too wise....I got over trying to swim against the tide with this one and am at peace with the situation :)

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