Needing your help and advice

[Guest cutie.pie]

I've been thinking for a while now should I or should I not post this, but I've been a LPMP family member for a year now and maybe you could help me, give me an advice or support.

I gave birth to my twin girls in November 2007. 10 months later I used my ex's credit card to buy some groceries and he thought of that as a perfect excuse to leave me and the kids (throw us out of his, I mean his mother's house), so I moved back to my parents with my 10 month old daughters. The real reason why he had left me was that I gain weight while being pregnant with twins and didn't hurry to lose that weight. His mother was glad and even called his friends to make sure we don't get back together. Three months after we had split he found himself a new girlfriend and impregnated her with another pair of twins (ironic, isn't it?). It took 3 (maybe 4) years for me to get back on my feet and get over the whole thing. I do not complain, it made me who I am today, stronger.

My daughters go to their dad's on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays (and sleep over every other weekend.) Even though they are twins, they couldn't be more different. One is blond and has blue eyes, the other one has brown hair, brown eyes, she is taller and has 8 kg more. And here is where my problem is. Their dad (and his mother) think she is fat. When ever she goes there (my ex lives with my ex MIL), they weigh her, tell her she is fat and has to lose weight. And that is killing me. She is only 6! They will ruin her self-confidence. She wets in bed at nights, but only if she spent that day at her dad's. I've been putting on her some Glamour Puss so she feels pretty, but my ex MIL told her she smells like a pig. I hate that snake!

 

I really, really need your advice. I had told their dad not to do this, but rather he should change her diet in a way she doesn't become aware of it. He just told me she is fat because of me and that I was fat too when I was pregnant.

 

Please help me...

- which phero should I use to make him hear me and make me in control? Dom, SWS?

- which scent should I get for my daughter? Should I get her the one she really likes (Halo's Cocoa lily, I bought it for my sister, but my girl loves it) or do you have a suggestion which scent would make her feel pretty again? She's only 6

- I talk to my kids and I know I shouldn't be wearing pheros near them, but I need something so they would open themselves up more to me... What do you do in situations like this, when you want them to open up?

 

I'm working on reducing the visits to their dad's. I have a great Pediatrician and am looking for a child psychologist. I don't want them to stop seeing their dad, but my daughters, and their health, are my priority and he is acting like a jerk!

I'm also gonna do the spell and put him and his mother in the freezer.

 

YOUR ADVICE IS VERY MUCH NEEDED AND APPRECIATED!

 

Thank you!

[Dolly]

Yes, some people frown on using pheros around kids.....I don't know if I would use too much around them, at the age they are. However, I have used Open Windows with my teenage future stepdaughter, and she told me everything we wanted to know but didn't want to ask.

 

As for the ex, my son's dad is a total ass, and when I wear Dom around him, he backs right the hell down. But if you wear that, you have to act congruently with it. Walk like you can back the shit up, if you needed to. Once you start changing your daughter's diet, give him a list of the healthy food choices that she likes, and tell him that he is to provide those foods for her. Period.

 

If you get your daughter a scent, make sure it is phero free, and get her the one that SHE likes.

 

I would suggest that while changing your daughters' food choices (on the sly), you should also try getting your daughter into some physical activity that she likes, whether it be dancing, riding a bike, jumping rope, or whatever. This will not only potentially help her lose weight, but physical activity should also release endorphins to help her feel good.

[BlueBear]

I would also go with DOM.

 

I would hesitate to change her food on the sly. About 4 or 5 years ago, back when Jerry Seinfeld's wife wrote that cookbook about sneaking veggies into kids' foods (blending up carrots and mixing it into spaghetti sauce or putting zuchnini in brownies, for example) and all of that was the rage, I watched a news thing with a psychologist or a dietitian that was saying that when you sneak healthy stuff in, the kids don't get a chance to learn to eat nutritiously and that they actually like the foods. I think 6 is old enough to start learning about healthy food choices, but there are ways to do it without saying "less calories/fat" or "lose weight." You could say something like, "We're all going to eat carrots with our dinner tonight because they are good for our eyes." Or something like, "Instead of mashed potatoes, we are all going to have mashed cauliflower. It tastes exactly the same but has even more fiber than regular potatoes!" Just a thought. Good luck!!!

[Dolly]

I didn't mean that how it sounded.....I didn't mean slipping it into their regular meals....I mean replacing some of the junk/snack foods with healthier choices (without mentioning it to her....thus, being sly).....then when she wants a snack, she has healthier options instead of junk......the best way to work it is leading by example. The last thing you want to say is......we are going to eat this to lose weight.....

Edited September 19, 2014 by Dolly

[BlueBear]

I knew you didn't mean sneaking it. But I would mention it. But not in the "we're doing this to lose weight." I'd say, "We're going to eat apples instead of Twinkies becasue apples have a lot more vitamins and fiber than cake does." Little changes like fat free milk instead of whole or olive oil instead of butter, that might be lost on a child, but fruit instead of candy or veggies instead of chips are noticeable and opportunities for discussion. I think the why goes a long way in the learning process. And I totally agree with the leading by example. Everyone eats the apples instead of brownies.

 

 

And I say all of this not to criticize anyone or anything, but as a former overweight child who finally learned to eat healthy as an adult. (And still struggles with weight as we speak.)

[Dolly]

 

And I say all of this not to criticize anyone or anything, but as a former overweight child who finally learned to eat healthy as an adult. (And still struggles with weight as we speak.)

 

I am with you on that!

 

But I do know that if the child is not ready for that discussion, it may be a futile effort. My son (just like me) was really chunky up through like 4th grade, and any time "healthy eating" was brought up, even though it was what I was eating, he would pitch a fit......just like I did when my Mom or other family members would mention it to me as a kid.....like talking to a brick wall. Discussions on making better choices CAN work, but it is harder if the other family members are working against you. My son's Dad had taught him that "healthy eating" was a bad thing. So, I had to go at it a different way. Encouraging more exercise (he loved riding his bike), and basically taking the junk OUT of the house. Period. Want something to drink? Water or skim milk (occasionally apple juice or white grape juice). Want a snack? Raisins, grapes, applesauce, pineapple, yogurt, etc. He started to enjoy some of the healthier foods, and actually asked his Dad to buy some. He also soon learned that if he ate what was in the house, without fussing, he would get an occasional treat of frozen yogurt or cookies. That kept him from going to friends' houses or his Dad's house and over-eating the bad stuff. That is how it is to this day.....I don't keep sugary cookies and snack cakes in the house. We get them once in a great while.

 

Now, he is almost 16, and he is tall and thin. And, he wants to stay thin, because he knows what it was like to be picked on when he was chunky. So now, he is READY for the conversation. He also was 12 when his Dad was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, so eating habits HAD TO change over at their house, too. It became a lot easier after that. I know that when he goes over there, it is not a house full of junk. AND, he has had some serious conversations about diabetes with his Dad and how his Dad put himself in that position through bad habits. He is a typical teenager in that he does like junk food. But he also knows what can happen if eating junk becomes a habit.

Edited September 19, 2014 by Dolly

[Guest cutie.pie]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you wrote!

Even though I try to give them healthy food, just 'trying' isn't good enough. I am changing their diet now that they started going to school and am looking for some sport for them. I was overprotective and didn't let them do sports because my girl (the one that has 8 kg more) has bronchitis problems and whenever she starts jumping or running she starts coughing like crazy and I have to give her her inhaler. But now that she's older, she has less and less those bronchitis problems. I am happy to report they start handball training on Monday.

I wish their dad and I could talk to each other like normal persons do, but everytime he comes to pick them up, he finds a reason to argue with me and thinks he's better than me. Maybe that would change if I let myself find a guy and stop hidding behind the walls I've built around me.

I will try DOM and the matching attitude!!!

Thank you so much!

[Dolly]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you wrote!

Even though I try to give them healthy food, just 'trying' isn't good enough. I am changing their diet now that they started going to school and am looking for some sport for them. I was overprotective and didn't let them do sports because my girl (the one that has 8 kg more) has bronchitis problems and whenever she starts jumping or running she starts coughing like crazy and I have to give her her inhaler. But now that she's older, she has less and less those bronchitis problems. I am happy to report they start handball training on Monday.

I wish their dad and I could talk to each other like normal persons do, but everytime he comes to pick them up, he finds a reason to argue with me and thinks he's better than me. Maybe that would change if I let myself find a guy and stop hidding behind the walls I've built around me.

I will try DOM and the matching attitude!!!

Thank you so much!

 

You're very welcome!

 

And good for you.....making positive changes in their diet and physical activities should help with any excess weight she may be carrying, and it will most likely give her more confidence as well.

 

Rock the Dom....it works for me!!

[Indigo]

I agree DOM works well!!

[Guest cutie.pie]

I agree DOM works well!!

Thank you!

 

 

And what would you ladies suggest, which phero would be the best when I go talk to the child psychologist? Not sure yet if it's male or female.

Treasured Hearts, Empathy potion, Heart and Soul or SWS?

[StacyK]

As for pheros, Like everyone else I'd recommend Dom (I'm assuming you have it). Leather also works well for the same use on me, but thats me and everyone is different.

 

For the Psychologist my first choice would be Empathy Potion, for working in Harmony.

 

Good luck. So sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Just be patient, the situation didn't develop overnight and it won't change that fast either.

Don't let your ex and his truly horrible bitch of a mother pressure you into simply reacting to their opinions. They lost the right for their opinions to have any real meaning at all a long time ago.

As long as your daughter is healthy and sound, that's the most important thing. If they want a trophy child tell them to look elsewhere.

[Guest cutie.pie]

Thank you so much StacyK!

[Guest cutie.pie]

So... My kids go to see their dad on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I started taking them handball training on Monday and Thurdays, so I had to see with my ex will he take them or will he come and pick them up on Friday instead of Thursday. He is a type of person that is looking for reasons, no matter big or small, to argue with me so I was guessing that this wouldn't be an exception.

I put some S&V w/Dom and imagined I was Dolly. When he came I just told him to choose, does he want to drive them to their handball training or if he wants to pick them up on Friday. He said Friday's ok. He didn't even argue! But then I start telling him other stuff that were on my mind and that were bothering me. I felt like I was a bull and he was my red rag! But I think he liked that too. Next time he came to pick up our kids he brought me fresh fish!

Edited October 1, 2014 by cutie.pie

[BlueBear]

Yay!!!! Glad it was a success for you!!!!!!!

[Eggers]

I put some S&V w/Dom and imagined I was Dolly.

I love this! What a great way to approach the situation - with Dolly's take-no-shit attitude! The mind is so powerful, isn't it?

I'm so glad it worked out for you.

[StacyK]

.."I put some S&V w/Dom and imagined I was Dolly. "

 

LOL! Yes it helps, doesn't it.

[Dolly]

That's the way to do it, cutie pie!!!!

 

DOM really works with my 6'2" 240 pound asshole of an ex.....he never backs down to anybody....and bullied me through most of our marriage.....but not any more!!! When I wear DOM, he does what I tell him to do, and thanks me afterwards!!

Edited October 1, 2014 by Dolly

[Guest cutie.pie]

I'm so grateful to have found LPMP and all of you!!

 

I really needed some DOM and The Dolly Attitude in my life!

 

THANK YOU ALL OF YOU!!