Help! What phero to help me be more open?

[phergineer]

I guess the question itself may scream Open Windows, but let me share a bit about my situation first. ..

 

I am an introvert. In my personal space, with my immediate family and fiance, I am relaxed, silly, simply myself.

However, if anyone invades my private space, I put up a front. I become passive aggressive.

 

Here's an example. This weekend we had plans, my fiancé and I to go for a bike ride and brunch. Saturday, one of his coworker/ girl friends texts him and asks if she can stay over at our place, after she had already borrowed his car the entire day. She's been looking for an apartment in the area, being out of town. I foresaw this happening, and got frustrated. Last time she stayed with us, she made herself really at homw, putting her clothes over my artwork and shoving her clothes in my closet.

My fiancé said she'd fly out this morning and our biking and brunch plans wouldn't change. I doubted it.

This morning, turns out she doesn't fly out until the evening, and our plans were out the window.

He's blamed me for shutting her out and being inflexible - which i am. He says he's just helping a friend and she wants to be my friend.

He says I always stress out when his family comes over too.

 

My question is - what phero would help me overcome my anger towards her and be open? I really don't want to be around her, but I realize I have to make an effort, to show I am mature enough. I understand my reactions may be unwarranted. I just don't enjoy when someone imposes on me.moreover, my fiancé and I have been on bad terms all weekend because of my attitude... He has been very frustrated with me and I would like him to get over it and both of us to move on.

 

Thank you!

 

ETA: grammar mistakes due to my state of mind...

Edited November 9, 2014 by phergineer

[luna65]

I think Empathy Potion might help in this respect.

[phergineer]

I think Empathy Potion might help in this respect.

Thank you, Luna, that's the one UN sample I did not order this November - i will have to make a new order. I did not think about it until this weekend. Ugh.

 

Since I have my future in laws coming over for Thanksgiving, I should probably invest in this, as it seems it might work better in my case than Treasured Hearts.

I am very particular about people staying over my house, as in I can't deal with slobs...

Edited November 9, 2014 by phergineer

[hearts]

I wouldn't be too happy with her either honestly.

But if I had to pick something, I'm thinking Empathy or Perfect Match...

[Guest cutie.pie]

I know it's not the same situation, but this reminds me of Dolly's thread: http://lovepotion.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=4267&do=findComment&comment=337991

 

I wouldn't be happy with having her in my home either. I hate it when someone comes near my closet!

[vladmyra]

Phergineer, I can definitely empathise with your situation. I'm also an introvert, and cannot stand feeling intruded upon. This also makes me very hard to get to know, as I'm closed off from people. So I can recommend a couple of things that have worked well for me:

 

Empathy Potion, as Luna suggested, could be brilliant here. Because it can work two ways at once- by making you more open and accepting of (and connected to) those around you, and by making them feel more empathetic towards you. I have the UN strength, which is powerful stuff. I already have an overdeveloped sense of empathy, so I don't use it lightly.

 

Lumina: Of all the wonderful social phero-mixes available here, this one makes me feel like I come across as more open and inviting to others. I love OW and TH for getting along with people and setting a good mood generally, but Lumina makes people feel so happy to interact with me, and makes me feel more secure in my place within those interactions. I don't know if you've looked at the Lumina thread yet (on which I gush about it repeatedly), but there seems to be a bit of a pattern of Lumina working well for natural introverts. It also seems to work well for people who may not find Cougar gives them strong effects.

 

Good luck, and let us know what works for you.

Edited November 9, 2014 by vladmyra

[donsie]

Does anyone else think some MLH might be useful here if phergineer doesn't have Empathy Potion on hand in time? I can see myself having been similarly put out in your situation. Would feeling secure in your position of woman of the house help you to feel able to make the effort with this woman? It might help her behave a little bit more respectfully while in your home, too.

 

Good luck, by the way. It can be so hard to have people come into your home when it's not really what you want. I hate intrusions into my safe place.

[phergineer]

Thank you all for your suggestions.

 

I do have Lumina. I've only tried it once, I think it did help me open up, but I was already with friends of mine...

 

Unfortunately I do not have MLH on hand, but that will get here in the order I placed Friday. I know that will come in handy.

 

Given that things have not improved between my fiance and I today, Perfect Match might be a good one to try. I got a little more upset once we got home after dropping her to the airport. I scrubbed the guest bathroom last week in the anticipation of my in-law's arrival, and now it's a mess. The sink is covered in tooth paste, and she even left her panties hanging on the bathtub faucet!!! I know, I need to go in the Bitching Post, and write about this, which I will. I am fuming and really need something to calm me down right now.

 

I know this is not an isolated situation, as my fiance's family are slobs and I have to bite my tongue when they are over our house. His father licks his fingers when he cooks and then he uses the same unwashed fingers to grab the food he then serves to us... Ok, maybe I am OCD, but I just cannot get over things like that.

 

I am mentally preparing for their arrival, and along with that, a little help from pheros would be nice.

 

So, I really need something to help me be more relaxed around such house guests while getting my fiance on my side - making him understand that I work hard to keep this house in shape - and putting my foot in the door in a nice way around guests.

 

I guess I have two things to deal with - tense situation with my sweetheart as a result of my inflexibility and irritability when people treat our home like a hotel, and me shutting down around them when these people are inconsiderate from my point of view. Don't get me wrong - I know they aren't mean spirited (or at least I hope they aren't) but that doesn't mean I should let them walk all over me.

Edited November 9, 2014 by phergineer

[BlueBear]

I can't comment on the MLH since I haven't given it a proper try, but I agree with Hearts on this. I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. This chick is putting her clothes in your closet and on your artwork? Nuts!! Anyhow, I agree that Empathy potion would be good.

On the other hand...could this girl have a thing for him?

Edited November 10, 2014 by BlueBear

[hearts]

I can't comment on the MLH since I haven't given it a proper try, but I agree with Hearts on this. I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. This chock is putting her clothes in your closet and on your artwork? Nuts!! Anyhow, I agree that Empathy potion would be good.

On the other hand...could this girl have a thing for him?

Right?! I'd be pissed! Especially with th panties on the sink? Nope!

[StacyK]

As far as a phero.. especially if you feel you need to empathize, Empathy Potion would be a good choice or anything really that puts you in a good mood and feeling good, in control..ect What pheros do that for you? LFM (the queen bee) might be a good choice too.

 

ok now for a look at the situation itself.. putting aside any thoughts or feelings about her being your fiancés friend...

 

I'd say, going by what you wrote down..IMO, it's a bit much. I'm all for helping out, when I can, but this individual sounds very presumptuous. It's very unreasonable for her to assume she can just stay with you guys. WTH?

And her previous behavior justifies your feelings of NOT wanting her as a houseguest. I don't think most people would be that accommodating.

 

I think if you feel uncomfortable you need to sit down with your fiancé and come up with some boundaries.

So what if your an introvert, extrovert or agora phobic! You do have a right to say, "No Thanks". Having people stay at your place is extra effort you shouldn't have to put out if you don't want to. Why does she have to stay at your place anyway? She's an adult right? There are many hotels ect ...

I think your personality and wether you want this "guest" forced on you are two completely separate things.

Edited November 10, 2014 by StacyK

[phergineer]

On the other hand...could this girl have a thing for him?

BlueBear - that's one of the things that got my fiance and I fighting yesterday. I said - "ok, I'm not happy with this, but she can stay with us... as long as our plans do not change tomorrow" and then I brought up the fact that I am not too happy with how close they are... Well, he did not take that very well. "I don't understand what in my character would even make you think I'd disrespect you in such a way?! She just wants to be your friend, and you keep pushing her away! What did she do to you to make you dislike her so much? Yes she put her stuff on your art work last time, but she did not do it on purpose! It's like you do not want to help people unless you get something out of it" Which is not true... He knows I go out of my way for people, but not if I feel they take advantage of me, which this is what this situation feels like. She had a place to stay on Friday night, but then she claimed it was too far from the airport and asked if she can crash at our place Saturday night. So my fiance said she'd be out in the morning, taking a cab to the airport... Riiiiight... Our entire day today was spent around her schedule, and taking her to the airport. And now I have to clean up!!!

 

StacyK - thanks, I don't feel so crazy reacting this way anymore. I think I'm going to make him clean the bathroom. I know i'll have to audit his work, as he's never done it before, but maybe he'll get where I'm coming from.

As for what makes me feel in charge... DOM!!! The one time i wore it, my fiance was very submissive, but I am not sure he actually enjoyed doing so...

I have not had much success with LFM yet, but I'll keep trying.

Edited November 9, 2014 by phergineer

[StacyK]

If it's already a done deal and she's definitely coming, then I would wear a phero that makes me feel good, and one that works well in creating good vibes. Just decide (don't bring it up now) if this is going to be the last time, and if it is then you are all adults and it shouldn't be an issue.

BYW there's nothing wrong with being friends ect, but you don't have to be best buds. friendly acquaintances is just fine. You shouldn't feel pressured.

Edited November 9, 2014 by StacyK

[phergineer]

If it's already a done deal and she's definitely coming, then I would wear a phero that makes me feel good, and one that works well in creating good vibes. Just decide (don't bring it up now) if this is going to be the last time, and if it is then you are all adults and it shouldn't be an issue.

BYW there's nothing wrong with being friends ect, but you don't have to be best buds. friendly acquaintances is just fine. You shouldn't feel pressured.

 

It's a done deal... But, he has already invited her over for Thanksgiving. So I have to be cordial to her then too, plus his entire family, which I sometimes have trouble with.

Let me clarify something - they are all nice to me, I am the one that has trouble sometimes because of situations like this. Well, in this woman's case, she's nice to me, and I have always had trouble around her. So, I guess I need something that makes me feel good.

The last time she was over and we had dinner together (she, my fiance and I), I lit up a wax melt with Topper. I'm not sure it helped me though... I was able to talk a bit more, but not with her, just with my fiance.

[halo0073]

I am going to be contrary and suggest something like B2.2 or Balm Bomb. It will relax YOU. I think that may be the key thing. It's calming. I also think her behavior is pretty bad and she doesn't seem to be appreciative of your hospitality.

[vladmyra]

Oh, Halo just beat me to it, lol! I was just thinking maybe Balm Bomb since it's really stressful for you.

 

Personally I couldn't stand having someone come into my house and not be clean and considerate of the space. It would drive me to stay in a hotel myself. If this woman is your fiancé's friend, and he's the one who keeps inviting her over if it were me I'd be leaving him in charge of cleaning up after her (and making sure he did his part before and during her stay as well). Not that I'm presuming he doesn't do his bit, but sometimes one partner has a tendency to take what the other does around the house for granted. And his friend/family are the ones causing extra work/mess/stress. Your feelings need to be taken into consideration too- it's your house, your Thanksgiving, etc as well as theirs.

 

I think it's great you're trying to find a way to feel more open and accepting and work things out, but don't let yourself be walked all over either.

 

Thank goodness you have LP magic to help you get through it!

[phergineer]

Thanks ladies, I was thinking Balm Bomb too! I don't have that, but I do have something similar from a different company which was my first full bottle phero purchase. Not sure if it's ok to mention it here. I tried that today, to no avail. Yes, it calmed me down, but as in I just didn't give a fuck anymore for a few hours. Not exactly the effect I was looking for.

 

Now, in terms of him doing his part, I wish he did - and he tries, but since I'm the one who is more domestically inclined of the two, he just doesn't think of certain things... like maybe I should tell her not to walk around with shoes on before phergineer gets upset about it.

Since she's his guest, I expect him to take care of all of that, and I told him so...

 

ETA: grammar

Edited November 10, 2014 by phergineer

[missdarlyncherie]

Oh my lord I can't even begin with this. All I can say is I am sorry you have to deal with this. Bitches like this are ridiculous. They know that what they are doing is unnacceptable. It's very disrespectful. I am going to shut up or I am going to rant and get in a really bad mood tonight, I'll just say....BEEN THERE. It was before pheros so I can't give you advice. Can you get a valium?

[phergineer]

Oh my lord I can't even begin with this. All I can say is I am sorry you have to deal with this. Bitches like this are ridiculous. They know that what they are doing is unnacceptable. It's very disrespectful. I am going to shut up or I am going to rant and get in a really bad mood tonight, I'll just say....BEEN THERE. It was before pheros so I can't give you advice. Can you get a valium?

MDC, you really gave me the one good laugh I've had today and so desperately needed! No valium, but I did get a bunch of german beer at Costco that I plan on indulging in shortly.

See, I don't understand how I'm the only one in this situation who can see things from a different perspective. I'm not even accusing her of purposely doing these things to get on my nerves or because she knows my fiancé won't say "no" to her, I just wish he'd stop defending her boundary invading behavior. Her Being clueless about other people's boundaries does not warrant him giving in to all that she does.

Edited November 10, 2014 by phergineer

[missdarlyncherie]

You are right. It is actually his responsibility to put a stop to it.

Start chugging!!!!

[Beach Goddess]

phergineer - all options above are great choices, so have nothing to add there. But will say you are an amazingly nice and understanding person, because I'd be flipping the heck out and asking for "bitch be gone" spray. Seriously - assuming to stay over, putting clothes everywhere and like Hearts said, panties in the sink.

 

WTH. Sorry but I think she is a bitch - or just completely lacking any idea of self-awareness, but spidey sense has bitch written all over her and her actions. She is certainly not respecting boundaries at all.

 

Hope you find right phero - and or way to handle that you feel good about. You can always try the be overly nice thing, so your SO won't see any tension and the friend can't complain about anything. Not too overly nice, but pretend you want her there - that you want to be her friend. That way SO also won't feel any sympathy IF she's complaining that you don't want to be friends (when she's NOT really trying to be yours), you'll know that you're doing it for your own boundaries and she will be present in less convos w/ you and SO bc - well, there's no issue. I think that may make her fade away, just my 2 cents though.

 

I wish you best with this and send you good energies to get that woman out of the situation. She may not be interested in your SO but she definitely seems to like being center of attention by her actions and continual imposing on you and your home.

[donsie]

Bourbon?

 

Don't audit his bathroom cleaning if this is his first time. It could put him off forever. When I talk about this kind of stuff to my main squeeze I try to keep any critiques as suggestions and no more than three at a time!

 

This woman is just too much and your fiance is being unfair to you. This isn't just you being inflexible.

 

WARNING - UNSOLICITED ADVICE BELOW! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!

 

So, if I were you I'd sit down and make a two (or more) column list of my issues with this whole mess. I'd probably label one Boundaries for Guests and another Closeness to X (this friend). Then I'd list my issues based on my feelings. It might help if you write a vent page first that is not for sharing. On your list you might write things like: I feel frustrated when guests overstay without a good reason like a cancelled flight, I feel disrespected, hurt, and angry when guests treat my art badly, I feel annoyed when guests ignore discussed house rules and leave a mess for me to clean up. On the other list you might write something like: I feel uneasy when Fiance tells me to change to suit Friend, I feel sad when Fiance take's Friend's part, etc. I'd ask Fiance to set aside 25 minutes to have a chat about the guests issue and explain that you're going to have the floor for a few minutes to say you piece uninterrupted and then give him the floor to respond uninterrupted for a few minutes. You'll have some times to absorb this before you do the problem-solving bit. I'd leave the second list until the first issues is sorted. After that you might not even feel the need to discuss the Fiance's closeness to Friend.

Edited November 10, 2014 by donsie

[Guest cutie.pie]

I'm not even accusing her of purposely doing these things

But what if she is doing things on purpose? She knows your fiance is on her side anyway.

 

What would bother me the most is not her, but your fiance. There will always be people like this bitch, but he always needs to put you first!

[BlueBear]

BlueBear - that's one of the things that got my fiance and I fighting yesterday. I said - "ok, I'm not happy with this, but she can stay with us... as long as our plans do not change tomorrow" and then I brought up the fact that I am not too happy with how close they are... Well, he did not take that very well. "I don't understand what in my character would even make you think I'd disrespect you in such a way?! She just wants to be your friend, and you keep pushing her away! What did she do to you to make you dislike her so much? Yes she put her stuff on your art work last time, but she did not do it on purpose! It's like you do not want to help people unless you get something out of it" Which is not true... He knows I go out of my way for people, but not if I feel they take advantage of me, which this is what this situation feels like. She had a place to stay on Friday night, but then she claimed it was too far from the airport and asked if she can crash at our place Saturday night. So my fiance said she'd be out in the morning, taking a cab to the airport... Riiiiight... Our entire day today was spent around her schedule, and taking her to the airport. And now I have to clean up!!!

 

 

 

 

Phergineer, my spidey sense is telling me that your guy is like mine. He is probably completely oblivious to her in the romantic sense. She's not even a blip on his radar. And that's a good thing for your relationship. He only has eyes for you! But I say it all over this dang board because it's true--bitches...be...trippin'. And based off your update post, this one certainly is. And because these super sweet, oblivious guys don't see this, it makes you look like the crazy/jealous/paranoid person. How long has he known her? Longer than you? Growing up, i was always best friends with guys, and it was always a little weird when they got girlfriends. i got jealous even when i had absolutely no romantic interest in them! Only difference is that I didn't do anything, and this girl is, albeit a little passive agressively.

 

So based on this, i think i will alter my phero recommendation. This situation took awhile to develop and will take awhile and several pheros to fix. I think empathy potion will be good when you discuss this chick with your boyfriend. Agreed with Halo that the Balm Bomb will be good to relax you. I'm sure this is crazy stressful. This chick putting her clothes all over your artwork, in your closet, and leaving her damn panties on the sink...this is like she is going into your apartment and peeing all over the place! I think she needs something to show that you are the alpha female in this situation. My first thought--and phero gurus, let me know what you think-- is Leather. I used to have some difficulites with my old female supervisor, and this one did the trick. My voice was sweet as pie, but my demeanor and phero signature said, "This is how it's going to be." Then I think later, after this is sorted out, you'll have to work on building a congenial relationship (because unless she blatantly comes on to your boyfriend or does something extremely heinous, you'll probably have to put up with her). Treasured Hearts or Perfect match might be good for that.

 

ETA: I got so worked up over this trick in your house, I didn't think to add that Balm Bomb might be good at keeping you relaxed during the whole in-law visit.

Edited November 10, 2014 by BlueBear

[tyvey]

Agree with cutie and Stacy and hearts. I think the last thing you need is to be doing even more accommodating, since that's what's gotten you into the situation you're in. My first thought was empathy or h&s, but then reading others' posts it became apparent that that might just drive things with both fiancé and presumptuous friend even further into disrespect and taking advantage of you, and my brain started shouting DOM THEM - DOM THE SHIT OUT OF THEM ALL. When it comes to it, FIANCÉ SHOULD BE ON *YOUR* SIDE - vs friend and family - and I don't care for his hysterical reaction to your statements of your feelings about his asshole friend. Even he is disrespecting you,

[donsie]

DOM THEM - DOM THE SHIT OUT OF THEM ALL.

LOL LOL LOL I was thinking about this situation on my way to work and this is exactly what I concluded.

 

Dom them hard and be super chill. Don't let her see you sweat even if she drives you up the wall because if she *is* trying to put you off on purpose all she needs is the tiniest bit of encouragement to know its working.

Edited November 10, 2014 by donsie

[phergineer]

Ok Ladies - first of all - thank you for your support!

 

Last night after we dropped her off to the airport, as I mentioned before, was when I walked into the guest bathroom to tidy it up and found the mess.
I walked out and closed the door because that was the last drop and I could not deal with it anymore, but I did not say anything to my fiance. He was getting ready to go to his basketball game and I did not want to ruin his performance.

 

The rest of the night we talked very little. I wore Perfect Match. I think it definitely helped to get us to at least have *some* conversation, but it was very limited. I was holding off on what I really wanted to say, holding off from releasing all the built up anger onto him. I cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry and he made dinner after his game (which they lost... another reason I did not want to bring up the weekend events given his not so chipper state of mind as a result of the loss). We were definitely talking a bit more, but not like what I was hoping PM would do.

After shower and before bed I applied some Fairy Musk with Treasured Hearts... well, that did nothing. We each watched a movie, in bed, with head phones on... I got more angry, because I really wanted to talk, but he started watching a movie and acted like everything was ok. I fell asleep angry, but I realized it was better to sleep it off than to go into a fight right before bed.

 

Today I have a full day - and I most likely won't see him until 10pm. I am back to my DOM or Leather choice, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts. I agree this is the way to go. I should have the talk, standing my ground... If the nice way did not work, time to bring out the big guns.

Edited November 10, 2014 by phergineer

[donsie]

The best part is that you don't need to be mean when you're Queen Bitch. No one would ever dare oppose her, you see!

Edited November 10, 2014 by donsie

[Rose Blackthorn]

OMG phergineer! You are a better woman than I am! I am inclined to go with StacyK's and halo's advice here, but I have to say I am one UNAPOLOGETIC territorial bitch with excessive boundaries where my home is concerned. I am borderline reclusive. Seriously.. I screen phone calls, if someone drops by unannounced, I don't answer the door, I don't even get up and peek to see who it is! If they didn't call first, who cares? And if no one likes it, TOO BAD! All of my friends know this is who I am, that's how I roll, no apologies, and nothing personal. I am also a hard ass on family. They all have open door policies and if it's your house, you set the rules. I respect theirs and I expect them to respect mine. That's it. I was brought up that you NEVER dropped in on people unannounced and you most certainly did not weasel your way into being invited into other people's homes. I'm with donsie on this shit. If it is coming down to this, then dom the shit out of them and to hell with them if they can't take it. I don't feel in the least obliged to accomodate manipulative, ballsy, people. Damn! I'm sorry about the rant. I am SO not the person to comment on this! You have my condolences phergineer! If you can't beat them, get a buzz on, pheros or by other means. Geesh! Nervy much???

[Beccah]

Not to encroach on LP territory, because I wholeheartedly feel that pheromonally this is an LFM situation. In my experience, teh backfire with Dom is that things can turn into a pissing match when you're Domming people & that might not be the way to go when dealing with an SO. However if it works the way you want it to, just disregard my 2 cents, lol. Anyway, this may also branch into spell potion/conjure oil territory. LP has some great LE potions left, is Communication Potion one of them, anyone?

[Rose Blackthorn]

The spell potion might be a good thought Beccah. Maybe added to some Empathy potion, which I have yet to try, btw, or even Treasured Hearts?

[BlueBear]

Ooooh, yes, Communication Potion if it's available. it's phenomenal.

[Eggers]

Yikes! Nothing to really add to this that hasn't already been said, except that I agree with what BlueBear said in her big post above. I'm only jumping in to acknowledge that post in particular because BF is one of those super-sweet dudes who doesn't ever realize when someone is blatantly hitting on him, (which they do with alarming frequency!), and the panties-on-the-faucet thing struck a chord. 'Cause your guy might be oblivious, but BlueBear is right: bitches be trippin'!

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. If it's any consolation, I would be, too.

[WnG]

I haven't seen this mentioned, but Gotcha can take the edge off for me. So, if you have that one on hand, it may be something you could use until your next order.

 

Another thought I have this on my list to try, but haven't ordered this one yet(so many to choose:), must space them out). The stories sound like they may help with your situation - wax melts for Thanksgiving. Maybe some of the seasoned pro's here can weigh in on what will give the happy, relaxed vibe for the day.

 

Best of luck, hon!

[tyvey]

@your most recent post phergineer, I hear OVER AND OVER your consideration and thoughtfulness toward him. I do not hear ONE INSTANCE of that being reciprocated. I don't say this to beat you up - I say this to SUPPORT the sneaking suspicion you seem to be developing that what you're dealing with is not acceptable. The ONLY thing he has said that I would agree with is to encourage you to speak up immediately when you're upset. You are very skilled at making excuses for him (to 'spare' him your being upset) and I haven't heard him do the same for you AT ALL in this situation (or show ANY consideration for your point of view or how the events, friend's behavior, his behavior make you feel). However 'poorly' you fear you might express it at the time, letting it stew 'allows' the situation to become worse, makes YOU FEEL worse, & makes it all that much harder for you to express it 'well' later on (as you can attest & have said repeatedly). ETA sorry I don't mean to shout at you; presumably you understand I'm just being "on your side"! Another ETA the reason I am thinking Dom is for the selfies as much as the effect on him - especially if it helps you speak your mind.

 

oh also, the licking fingers thing is fucking disgusting. You're not being OCD - you're having a modicum of biological sense and manners.

Edited November 10, 2014 by tyvey

[phergineer]

Again - I appreciate all your suggestions and support.

 

Here's what he suggested on Saturday when I told him I was not happy with her inviting herself over. They were going to go out for drinks - the woman, my fiance and another coworker of theirs (male). I could have gone, but chose not to. She decides she wants to stop by our place first and take a shower... Which got me even more aggravated. So, my fiance said I should just jump in the shower when she got there to avoid her, and then be asleep by the time they got back from drinks. This is his way of protecting me from her, and looking out for my needs.

He also doesn't understand how I can't just act like myself in my own home when someone camps there!!! I'm thinking - seriously? Can I just go walk around in my underwear? Can I start drilling and hammering on the printing press I had been working on/building at any time of night and day? Can I talk to him and behave towards him of she weren't around? I don't know this person. She is not my friend. As much as he would like me to open up to her, I can't do it, especially given the history.

 

What I'm trying to say is that in his mind he is looking out for me (he tried to come up with ways for me to avoid her) and that he just doesn't understand why I can't be myself when we have people like her or his family over. Well, it takes me time to warm up to people...

But his ways of me avoiding her I do not agree with. I don't want to hide in my own house. I know he means well... but... not this way.

Therefore, I need to be very careful on how I approach this conversation we have to have about this subject and how I make him see my point of view. Yes, you are right, the more I let it simmer, the worse it will come out!

LFM might do the trick in terms of talking to him, thanks for the suggestion. I have yet to try any spell potions! Communication Potion sounds great, but it's sold out. I'll have to check the trade threads.

Edited November 10, 2014 by phergineer

[Beccah]

Be careful, it sounds like she's trying to push you out. If you can't find the right spell potion here, you could try something from Conjured Cardea (Queen B*tch oil) or Lucky Mojo (Commanding oil). These fall in to the realm of wearing mostly for intent & all that they smell nice but I find they don't tend to last or have much throw to work as perfumes. Wear them in tandem with LP perfumes/pheros & you've got a lethal combo!

[donsie]

She decides she wants to stop by our place first and take a shower...

 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Her behaviour is entering overbearing territory on an express train.

 

Can I just go walk around in my underwear? Can I start drilling and hammering on the printing press I had been working on/building at any time of night and day? Can I talk to him and behave towards him of she weren't around?

 

Yes, especially work the printing press when she's asleep after a night out with Fiance. Also get all up on him (in your tiny undies, obviously) while she's having her Cheerios. Sit next to her to have a girly chat and when Fiance steps out of the room just look straight into her eyes for a bit too long. See how long she keeps dropping by.

 

As for conjure, Hot Foot that woman. You can even make Hot Foot powder yourself; there are a number of formulas posted online. And protect your thresholds. There are a number of methods in various traditions.

Edited November 11, 2014 by donsie

[missdarlyncherie]

Oh my god I am having a panic attack.

I'm serious. This is stressing me out so much.

There is much great wisdom these LP'rs are giving.

I know you will handle it the way you are comfortable with but I wish I could come over and help out when she comes over to take a shower. Avoiding her is not good. You need to look her in the eye.

[phergineer]

So we finally chatted today. And of course, because I brought it up...

I was wearing LFM.

The conversation did not go as well as I would have liked (he was very defensive), but we made up.

 

I said I felt disrespected, and he said he felt that way too when I insinuated he would cheat on me with this woman.

He agreed that she was a rude house guest, but pointed out I'm not a great host myself either, with expecting guests to take their shoes off on carpets and closing myself off to her... Oh well. I knew he would use that against me. It's one thing if people come over for dinner, and another if they stay over night. Yes, I expect them to take their shoes off inside the guest room, and not put their stuff on my art work!

I mentioned the bathroom issue... he wouldn't even go take a look. He just said "that's disgusting". And yes, I'm the one that has to clean it all up still.

As a result of this, he agreed he got taken advantage of and that she is no longer welcome to our place. We'll see how long this lasts.

I pointed out he invited her to Thanksgiving dinner, and he said "She'd probably get to town too late for that... and I have not mentioned it to her anymore" I doubt it. Knowing this woman, she'll probably show up at 10pm on Thanksgiving day at our door.

So, I am not sure LFM worked very well. He is not an alpha male (hell, he let her walk all over both of us!), but he was clearly already angry with me too before the conversation (because I accused him and her for possibly having something going on together; as a matter of fact, my words were "I'm really uncomfortable with how close you and T are, and I worry this may lead to something else").

 

In the future, I think Empathy Potion or Balm Bomb would be a better choice for a situation like this (having the talk with SO).

 

I am still upset about how this weekend went, but I am finally no longer feeling that empty hole in my stomach... I went to the art studio/class tonight and there was only the instructor and one other class mate, both males. I told them, in short what happened, and they both shook their heads in disapproval.. "Make him sleep in the dog house!" they said. Especially when I told them about the bright pink lace thong on the faucet... Even better, my instructor said I should take a photo of it and send it to her with the text "NOT cool". And then he adds, "Too bad they don't have x-rated emoticons"... wait, or is there an app for that?

 

I do have more to add along lines of this thread, because this conversation lead into me being an introvert and how I act around his friends and family, so I still need help on that front, but I don't want to turn this post into a novel.

 

I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you for all your posts. I did not feel alone and unreasonable in my reaction to this whole situation.

Edited November 11, 2014 by phergineer