Cycle Kitten

Thank you so much for the good vibes everyone. I just got home late last night and had my first sleep in two weeks. T has been absolutely terrible and I'm so very happy to be home but worried beyond belief for the BF. It took 6 security guards to hold him down in the ER before they had decided to sedate him. My first few days in the hospital he was under, for his own safety and that of the staff. Then another few days of being a bit out of it, hostile and tethered down. His mom and sister were supportive and sweet the couple of days they stayed but haven't checked in since his release from the hospital the Friday before last. Sadly they even seem dismissive today when I contacted them with updates. Perhaps the whole lot of them are troubled. I've spent the last 10 days as his nurse and most of it being met with hostility. My only goal was to get through it until his follow up yesterday. Aside from quite a bit of road rash he has a couple broken ribs, tore his tricep tendon in one arm and shattered his wrist in the other. He is very lucky to be alive (no helmet, a big gash in his head, no jacket/ gloves ) I'm sure I don't have to detail the level of care needed for someone who has no use of their arms. This did not go over well. He is also lucky that we had a friend to stay with 10 min from the hospital though he displayed no gratitude. He also had not slept since being under sedation all these days and I've had to witness behavior I can only compare to the stuff you see in freaky horror films and music videos. ( think strobe light style head shaking and rocking, manic fits and outbursts) When not making statements about leaving him on the side of the road and not wanting to live there were some moments of "I'm sorry" and lots of crying. If I had a taser yesterday trying to get through his appointment I may have used it. He has at least three months of recovery before his next surgury and he is losing it. He stormed out of the dr office, and I found him sitting on a curb looking down on railroad tracks. He can eat and bathe now but can't work. I dropped him with his crew and he is headed to the other side of the country for the next few months, he is in their care now and I can only hope that he does as instructed. I talked with one of his bosses for hours and was told that he had been diagnosed bipolar long ago. I can't say for certain, not seeing medical records, it could be speculation but that's what was said. They are still willing to keep him on board and pay him so he should be counting his blessings instead of being verbally hostile toward everyone. I've done all I can so for now all I can do is be the voice on the other end when he needs to talk to someone. I have been living in hospitals for the last 4+ months, my FIL had been trapped under a back hoe in early March. He is 80, broke 8 ribs, smashed his pelvis, lost a leg and while I was away his surgeons basically told him they are done with him, they won't do his final surgery so he can get a prosthesis. They said he will never walk again. It's night and day. My FIL's response to that info was standing up on the leg he has, which was also mangled and still broken, 5 times that day, saying screw you to his doctors. The BF thinks his life is over. Perspective,...

It's not easy, well, the hubby is pretty easy I guess that's helpful. So the update: I'm currently at a hospital and have been here since early yesterday morning. The BF was in an accident. He will be ok but I've been camped in the ICU for two days. He's been in surgery now for 4 hrs and I'm losing my mind. This is not how I invisioned seeing him again. He hates this environment, they had to sedate/ intubate him for his own protection and the staff. He became lucid and ripped out all the hoses while in the MRI. I got to see him open his eyes before they took him for surgery. His mom and sister are here with me, first time meeting or talking to them. I think his mom was the magic that kept him reasonable for the 15 minutes we were able to see him awake. I don't know if he's going to be angry or grateful when he is truly coherent. It was the only way to get consent for treatment because he was trying to leave the hospital after being air lifted in. He would not have agreed to being here normally. I don't know about anyone else but 2016 has been a hell of a year for me and the people I love and I'm really over it.

"Just take care of yourself, and see if there's someone who can share the load with you, you know? Maybe your husband can help talk to him, or a sister or friend. Good luck. Much love to you guys, and God bless. " I didn't take any offense Cheesey, we all draw from our own experiences, and sometimes a bit of harshness can shake things up just enough to clear your head. Reading something as text is also cold communication, it's hard to portray emotion and concern, or a real image of a situation. Unless you are a gifted writer I suppose. I don't profess to be gifted there and I'm sure my own posts can be erratic or not concise. And where he is the topic, a mix of mature thought out statements, and the ramblings of a woman in love, full of emotion. You can't truly understand the workings of a relationship unless you are in it, and there is plenty of grey matter to be had if you are. Due to the poly thing sharing the load has been a bit of an issue, aLso, not everyone possesses the patience. There are quite a few people in our lives that are good and accepting but not too involved. And where family is concerned, well, we still have a few garments in the closet, like my husband. It's all good. And your personal story is good food for thought, thank you for sharing it.

I'm in total agreement here, each and every person, situation, and the way it needs to be approached is different. I do worry about the possibilities of what QG has posted. Especially since there have been a few moments where I was quite concerned and he stated he couldn't put his mom through something like that. How many years before that statement no longer applies? I do see the potential for his demise through risky behavior over self inflicted. For the time being he hasn't displayed anything that has me on intervention mode, not anything I feel was said with any sincerity or commitment if that makes sense. Being very much empathic, I'm pretty good at picking and choosing battles, coddling when it seems appropriate or when it's the only way to keep things from becoming a bigger issue, and being firm when necessary, or when it feels as though his response won't be too dramatic. It's not easy in any way. Patience is something I've discovered all new boundaries in through this experience. I'm pretty sure a younger me would have given up long before now. Witnessing the change and growth that has occurred is probably what keeps me going. That and loving him. Only time will tell how things progress. I'm very good at knowing and understanding that most of his outbursts have nothing to do with me, that's something no one close to him seems to be able to recognize. I don't take it personally unless it is. And I try to help him, as best I can, see things from another perspective when he is upset with someone. I get emotional at times, tears are shed, I'm a pisces, crying is our gift to the world, but I don't feel as though anything is my fault. Its sometimes impossible to hold back the tears even when I know it's not personal, I'm human. I don't find him manipulative, if anything he tries to push people away so they don't have to deal with him. We communicate, probably better than anyone else in his life, but about all things outside of our relationship. That's where we hit some walls. Perhaps someday he will take that step, maybe I'll be holding his hand in the process. For now I'm one of the very few people who have not given up or abandoned him. At this time I don't want to be on that longer list. I'm curious StacyK, are you employed in a counseling feild? I only ask because you really seem to have a knack for good, thoughtful advice.

I actually love LP red, have red OCCO, and think I could live on aja alone. Now I just need a stomping place to give that a go. I have a trial of Dom noir but have actually forgotten about it. I don't view myself in any way as dominant but it's worth a try. And I definitly gel with those kind of domestic goddesses. Sadly I don't think me and Aud have good chemistry, I think it makes me more apprehensive than I don't give a F, but with so many other options it's ok. I'll check out the rouge thread, thank you.

Adequate and timely healthcare in general is a serious problem, and to some extent it is all a guessing game, three doctors will likely produce 2-3 different diagnosis. He doesn't have any faith or trust with the medical community. The anxiety alone of a doctors office is more than he can bare, I have been down this road already for broken bones and such. For those of us that can handle a medical visit, it's easy for us to say " seek medical attention". For someone like him it's asking to voluntarily do something that is the most traumatic thing they could possibly dream of. I hear where everyone is coming from about professional help, I even agree to some extent. It simply doesn't fit for this person, or at the very least not presently. And that isn't even factoring in the financial aspect or location issues. I'm very much aware of the burden this places on myself as far as being a caregiver. Im just trying to work with what I have.

I appreciate everyone's response here, I actually hadn't realized how much I've posted about my situation. This has been a hard road, and my non traditional relationship is something many people would not understand or accept so I've had very limited resources for a friendly ear. So thank you all for reading my banter and offering your insight. Cheesey, honestly I think I needed to hear that bit of tough love. I can admit to enabling and coddling, but I have also stood my ground and provided some proper tongue lashings. I've always been a home for wayward souls. It's hard to find a balance or define a line when enough is enough. Empathy and nurturing are traits I have to a fault. I have managed to let go of many people over the years when I finally realized they were never going to help themselves. Most of them were people who attached themselves to me, not relationships I sought out or truly wanted. This one is very different, he is embedded in my soul, not to sound crazy, there is something that defies all logic between us. Because of how I'm wired im very guarded with my heart, it takes a long time for me to get close to someone. The people I've allowed in have been part of my life ever since they were admitted into my circle. The BF is not in denial of his nature, and that is part of the problem, beating himself up because he is the way he is. He is also a kind, soft hearted empathic soul. Infectiously charming and charismatic, when he isn't manic. I've gotten pretty good at reading him, recognizing that some of his attempts to push away are for my benefit, he doesn't want to drag me down, doesn't feel he deserves to have me in his life. He doesn't have experience with love, and I know that self love is the foundation to being whole. I'm trying to show him the way. There is progress, not in a clinical sense, but the people who are around him most, and myself, have noticed some positives. It's absolutely an uphill battle to show a grown man in his 50's new ways to look at life in general. Harder still under the circumstances. He is phobic in regards to medicine, I don't foresee counseling anytime soon, perhaps ever. As much as it pains me to say so, in terms of seeking health care for heart trouble or anything else, unlikely. He is going to scratch his way through life until something takes him, and he will likely be ignorant to the cause. I know most people would have issue with this, but I also see the other side of it. I ask myself is it better to know that you are dying from "x", obsessing over it, allowing it to weigh you and those that love you down, or better to live free from that and just live? I don't have an answer, for each of us it is different, In my own experience the loss of loved ones that came suddenly v's those lost to long term battles with "x" we're somehow less painful. Depression is already a heavy load to carry. His circumstances are also not conducive to treatment as they are. Always traveling, no permanent address, or insurance, a different city every week. I'm not making excuses, it is just the way it is. Am I hopeful that I can make more of a difference or that someday treatment is an option? Absolutely, it's just not where we are yet. I am trained clergy, can legally provide council, but being intimately involved does change everything. I'm not ready to give up, but I do need a break. Right now I have no set plans to spend time with him, and need to focus on other aspects of my life, even though it's going to be hard for me to stay away since my heart very much wants to be near him. The normal weeks apart, my husband, and other parts of my life usually provide me with time to recharge and reflect. This will likely be the longest amount of time that passes where I don't see him since the beginning of our relationship. Knowing that sadly put both of us on the empathetic edge this weekend. There wasn't much opportunity for us to talk since there were many other people around, he was also working and exhausted. Halo, I would actually love to hear your experience, I think it would be a great resource to have some insight from the other side. I'm not a depressive person, I live on the side of every moment being precious, but that may stem from having come close to losing my life several times for varying reasons. He has said that it's sometimes difficult for him being anxious, always 20 minutes to a millennia ahead of the moment to cope with my slow motion, right here, right now way of being. This is the first and only forum I've been part of. I've read some fantastically raw experiences and wonderful advice, heartfelt concern and some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. Just, thanks, for being your sweet freaky selves.

I have to say I'm not sure Audacious is working for me either. It seems as though I'm jumping out of my skin to do that thing but then find myself a bit more than my introverted normal, chicken ing out if you will. I suppose its probably better suited to someone who is naturally more extroverted. I'm still going to give it a few more tries. So far my best are TH, H&S, SS4W& Aja, which I normally Have a very domestic goddess meets poison ivy vibe anyway.

I'm really thinking bipolar, I need to research that more. Jekyll and Hyde in a mere second. Then he gets even more upset with himself because he is the way he is. It's really difficult for people around him. It seems no one else sees how's painful it is when he hides after an episode. Most just think he's an a-hole and don't realize he has no internal monologue, whatever goes through his head comes out the mouth.

Thanks so much, I'm going to give that combo a go, at least I know TH is good, he gets more openly affectionate, not in a sexual way. But in a way that's strange territory for him. ( I started wearing it around him because there are usually alpha females around that can be awful bitchy ) His extra attention was a bonus. I guess I shouldn't worry too much since I'm pretty open anyway, and I've definatley honed some listening skills with this relationship. I fear I'm as close to therapy as he will go. And I know it's not my responsibility but I'm the only positive force in his life. He and my hubby are very similar creatures, same sign, same body ticks, but also polar opposites in some ways, yin and yang. I think I sometimes see in the BF what would become of my hubby if something happened to me. Actually the hubby has said so much. This is a path I certainly never planned, I guess the universe had other ideas. Some weird karmic wheel I may never understand.

I wish I could say it was all sex and flowers

Thanks for your insight Stacy, I have tmi and TH,he actually responds well to TH, not sure if that would be a similar combo as I don't have TC. I am concerned I may blurt out some things that ramble in my head, though I'm normally very open with my head and heart. My situation isnt conducive to having secrets. Last night was not the first time my hubby has held me close while shedding tears over the BF. It's not really affecting us, we are like a mountain of rocks together. I was considering gotcha but uncertain if that would be helpful. The BF is a tortured soul, affection wasn't something he was accustomed to as a child, and the ex wife didn't help. He's been in my life for 8. Years, and I've witnessed a lot of growth in him over the last few. He isn't into meds or doctors and I respect that so I've done all I can herbally. It seems to have helped, and having someone he can rely on, to listen to him and be his friend without judgement. He calls when he's manic to hear a calming voice and I don't mind being that call. He says he's never known anyone like me. I've gotten pretty good at weeding out what is directly related to me and what isn't. It is exhausting at times, but there are also many magical moments, and I truly love him and want the best for him. Even at the expense of my own heart if that's how it is to be. I used to think the pushing away was him feeling second, protecting his heart, but we are far too deep to feel that way. Or at least I think we are. I just wish he was more open about what his concerns or troubles are so that we can talk about it and move on, grow together, or grow apart if it can't be resolved. I just don't want to be another dent in his heart. Or have things end on a sour note. It could be the downslope, it's hard to tell since this is somewhat business as usual. It's been a long time, reliving the same patterns isn't healthy for either of us.

The situation: The BF is depressive and anxiety prone, not very good with expressing what's going on in his head or heart. He often says stupid things and gets upset with me for things I simply do not understand. Trying to portray the specifics would require a novel. Last night I cried myself to sleep after a phone conversation, not having a clue what he was tripping on, and I'm leaving today to spend a few days with him. It will be months before I see him again and I have seriously considered not going, which will only make it worse and break my heart. Sigh, he just called, wondering when I'll be there, and it seems everything is fine, like nothing happened, this is normal. What I believe: He has some internal struggle dealing with his emotional attachment to me, he's been hurt, his self worth destroyed, and doesn't have much experience dealing with love. I'm the opposite of everything he knows, empathy, patience and love are my forte, not to sound weird about that. I think my experience with him has illuminated me to those qualities in myself. Loving someone who struggles with depression is a full time commitment. I'm already struggling with the knowledge that I won't see him for awhile. I really want him to open up and get whatever it is out in the open, for better or worse. It's been years and we both need to come to terms with whatever it is that's ailing him, at least in terms of "us". The constant struggle between him pushing me away one minute and having a death grip on me the next is wearing me thin. I can't risk anything with A1 in it, if anyone has a suggestion on a blend that could help him communicate and deal with his emotions I'm all ears. I've spent hours/days reading review threads, I guess I'm hoping that someone has experience with similar circumstances and could provide some helpful insight. If we part at some point I'd rather not have a bunch of unsaid things that should have been addressed, and I really want him to be better for our time together, not further damaged.

This is such good info. I've tried to wear PM around the hubby and the BF, sadly I didn't look to see that it contained A1.With hubby, not particularly alpha or depressive, it lead to some great make out sessions and spontaneous slow dancing in the kitchen. With 20+ years together it's been very pleasant experiences. With the BF, who is very manic and depressive, also alpha, I now recall him being dismissive even though we spend limited time together. On one occasion I got kissy and he pushed me away like I was crazy. Which pissed me off. Thinking back, I don't recall ever getting a positive reaction from him wearing this. Just a whole lot of frustration on my end, pouty, weepy and angry. It's been a few years with him and I was feeling a bit like the dew is off the Rose, I wanted to revisit some of those earlier feelings and fun times when we first started seeing each other. I only recently noticed that PM has A1. I only wear LFM, LFN and PM (now) around the hubby, who responds well to them.

Thank you, the leg is better, I'm doing more and wrapping it less but I still live in fear of rupturing my Achilles, it still bothers me when I've overdone it. Thankfully my calf no longer looks like a deflated balloon hanging from my leg. I'll be back on the wire mid August and praying I don't damage myself.

Greetings, and welcome!

Oh girl, from experience, both ladies close to me and myself, Mamma's boys are an animal that require a lot of energy, and it usually doesn't end well. I've seen that hand reach out and be a problem even after mom has crossed the veil. There's a difference between men who love and respect their mom and those that allow overbearing mothers to control their lives, forever. You should really source out which is the case to save yourself some heartache. As far as PM, I can see how it may not be a good choice for you, at least not right now, the description even indicates that it helps established couples feel that first flush of love. It doesn't sound like you are there. Members here have also already stated that it can weed out commitmentphobes. From your description it sounds as though that's how this phero may be working for you. ( as they work a bit differently for everyone and there's quite a bit of trial and error ) If you are looking for Long term it doesn't sound too promising for this fella. I've had great times with the hubby wearing this phero but we are 20+ years in the hole together. It's been helpful for inspiring those long kissy face make out sessions that as adults we no longer make time for. And it doesn't always end in the bedroom, but that's just my experience with it. I think StacyK has given you some straight up advice about mom and the bedroom.

Update on the weekend: I drove all night and didn't arrive until 10:30 am, I had been up since 6 am Thursday, so exhausted I couldn't sleep. Friday night came and I went with honeyed LP / with gotcha, just because I love it. I was so tired I figured why complicate things. I put my new costume on and wandered around a bit in it, then decided I didn't feel all that great about it. Put on a pair of yoga pants and a tank, felt amazing, no make up, no false lashes, no extra effort on the hair. I did a couple of LED hoop runs since fire was a bad decision in the sleep deprived state I was in. I had fun and while getting a ride through the event site came upon a small stage with a pole that wasn't being utilized. In a strange, unlike me maneuver, I took off my yoga pants, climbed on stage, showed some people how it should be done and ran away back to the cart that was waiting. ( seriously can not believe I did that ) I went backstage after and the wife of another fire performer asked if I put my pants on backwards deliberately. That was my cue to try and go to sleep for the night. Saturday I went with audacious, I really need to spend more time with this and determine if it's good, bad, or indifferent with me. I had another to hell with it, no makeup, I'm not going to wear a fancy costume night. ( honestly I feel my best in yoga pants and a cami on any day ) I really felt hesitant and uncertain to main stage it. I'm not sure if AUD backfired on me or perhaps that had something to do with another performer setting their face on fire the night before. They seemed, young, inexperienced, stoned, or a combo of all three. I ended up lighting up and dancing in front of another show that was done for the night, no music, and just for the random people that happened to not be at the main stage. I had a great weekend with the BF, didn't put myself under any unessesary pressure, embarrassed myself a little with the drive by pole dancing, but otherwise it felt pretty liberating to just do my own thing. Luckily the venue is the kind of place that is essentially a free for all anyway.

Is there any chance of a rebrew of this? I feel like I missed out on something amazing here.

Thank you, I feel pretty good with cops, though I think it puts too much pressure on the BF, he already feels intimidated by the drive I have on my own. I'm basically working this event in order to see him. I foresee a shower after performing though. I have two nights, perhaps leather + OCCO on Friday. I'm driving a thousand miles overnight between thurs and Friday so I'll be pretty tired. I could try something else for Saturday or not. Either way field testing is always good for info. Halo, you are always the sweet voice of encouragement, thank you. I have a shiny new costume arriving tomorrow, praying that it fits well. I haven't performored at this venue in two years, it's been 9 months since performing at all so I feel a bit out of sorts. Must get back on the horse though. i sometimes wish I lived in an area that actually had places with dance floors to do a little experimenting but alas I live in Amish land and I'm pretty much a hermit when not working. I love watching people who go all out on the dance floor, those that let their flag fly with wild abandon, no matter how strange their groove is they are always the most inspiring. I want to be like that when I grow up, now would be great though

Thanks Beccah, I may give cougar a try, it's one of the first UN's I purchased but I don't think I've worn it, ( not that I remember ) I usually kick up my moms favorite scent with it. I'm not really going for life of the party, but confidently sexy with a little attitude that show it.. I wish I had some experience around the BF and leather, I really only wear it for workouts. If all goes well I'll be just finishing my cycle when I get there, I'm not usually overly bitchy anyway. Good to know there's a chance I could go all Alice Cooper. I can't help but associate leather with the Leather from Happy Days, at least that's how I envision it working. leather Tuscadera, she had a vibe. Awesome, at least I have no one to intimidate, I only have to worry about sharing space with front men who may be wandering the stage. It's a pretty big space with a runway. Perhaps some OCCO with leather and LP red would make it feel more sexy with the confident I don't give a shit attitude. Sadly no rehearsals for this girl, it's a just do it kind of thing.

Leather and cycle? Care to share on that? Is it a bitch switch sort of thing? That may have some bearing on my time table. Also, the BF is pretty alpha, I've never worn leather near him. Actually I don't think I've ever worn leather in public. I'm definitly on the no alcohol train, it makes me sloppy in general in terms of using props and a very definite no with props on fire.

Hmmm, alpha party girl, I was thinking of audacious at first but felt hesitant about it, from my limited experiences. I do have leather but I don't think I've ever worn it anywhere even close to a dance floor. Dom in the scented version which is too strong and floral for my tastes, though I love it for home workouts. I also have Bang, SS4w is my favorite at this point but may need that extra kick. Perhaps I should test drive that for a local night out. Lace isn't in my arsenal, but I do have OCCO pink, red & white.I guess I should mention this is totally about selfies, I'll be on an elevated stage above the crowd, ( no pressure ) phero bombing the bands is the only risk. Truthfully I've worn pheros mostly for myself in general, reactions from others has always been a secondary bonus. I just don't have my A game on right now, under practiced, I'm still unable to do certain things physically that help the wow factor, and I'm super conscious of the extra 10 pounds, at 5'2" it makes a difference. I do love reading what works for everyone since I like to share my hoard. Thanks for the tips, now to force myself out of the driveway for a test run, or two.

Bella, does audacious ever make you nervous, jittery? I only wore it a couple times, I don't know if it was just me being super anxious the first time, it was for performing, but I got a bit hyper and felt more fast action than in control. The second time I decided to replay that white snake video in a public street, on the hood of my hubby's car. ( there was liquid courage involved for that one )

I definitly have the untouchable vibe with LFM/LFN, I feel seriouse and sexy but not in an extroverted way. I enjoy wearing those when out with the hubby, I feel good, and notice quite a bit of attention, even from ladies. But I seem to have that -I'm focused right here with him and the rest of you can eat your heart out thing going.I love LP REd,and have a love affair with Amber and dark sexy scents. Also have a rather extensive collection of UN's, it's likely I have all that would suit the purpose, just not the field test experience with all of them. I have virgin compromising positions, a scent I truly love, along with a substantial list of other scents. I'm sure any gal could use the info shared here, for those of us on the introvert side of things a bit of help letting go and being ultra confident, especially on the dance floor/ stage is a plus.i usually require a bit of liquid courage before letting myself go with abandon, which is not suitable at all when playing with fire, literally. Thanks so much for your input, I'll try to search for that thread.