Howl w/ Teddy BB

[StacyK]

@Eggers

B2.2 Is still here. Plenty in the store.

 

AW Eggers I always love seeing you here.

Yes. I think thats right. Kitten Nip had an ice cream sunday thing. I love it because it is a tasty, pretty, creamy blend. But, its not overwhelming.  

 

@Eastwood22I love a guy that cleans. I would not even mind if he reminded me to use a plate as long as he didn't harp on. lol 

Wow. Cleaning the walls.  Impressive.

[Eastwood22]

1 hour ago, Eggers said:

where he's suddenly realizing that he makes a lot more work for me. So he gets up to help a little more often. Not a lot. A little.

I understand the cleaning to alleviate stress, I wish that I'd catch that bug soon! For me, it's more like a random inspiration than the daily maintenance required. I hate that when I do have the inspiration my man feels need to jump up alongside me and pitch in when he does so much more than me, but he gets very uncomfortable if I'm cleaning and he's not. I've asked him to just stay seated and he says he just cannot.

I'm so not domestic, and he is, so I know he appreciates when I try. It's funny because he's a Gemini on the outside but all touchy-feely sensitive cancer underneath. You know that thing from the 50's thats circulated around, about how a woman should pick up house and freshen up and make the kids presentable right before the all powerful breadwinner returns to his palace? It's never been a total joke to me, the feel of it seems somewhat reasonable, if you remove the gender roles. If one person has worked hard all day, why not want them to feel a sense of peace and relief upon returning home?

When I'm in between teaching a morning class and picking up kids and taxiing them around and making dinner and then going back to work, I like to lay around on the sofa watching tv, eating, and drinking coffee. Sometimes I craft, sometimes I open packages, whatever I'm doing, I'm making a mess. The coffee table, kitchen cutting board, stove, and sink can always tell stories about my day. I try to sit with kids when I feed them instead of running around cleaning the kitchen, so there's often that mess, too. So sometimes when my man is on his way home, I set a timer for 5 min of pickup for each room that I'd been messing up. Five minutes per room doesn't seem like a lot, but it makes quite the dent!

I'm wondering about this Kitten Nip. Ice Cream and cozy pheros sounds like a win-win.

1 hour ago, StacyK said:

@Eastwood22I love a guy that cleans. I would not even mind if he reminded me to use a plate as long as he didn't harp on. lol 

Wow. Cleaning the walls.  Impressive.

That's the part that's crazy making. He never harps, he speaks slowly and patiently, carefully measuring his words. My best guess is that he's thinking, "it's not her fault, this is all new information to her. She just fell from space and she doesn't understand normal human behavior. I must make sure not to shame her or tell her she did something wrong, I'll just make it sound like a friendly request. If I say it wrong, I know she'll lose her shit and start throwing plates and knives at my head and then everyone will die." That's what makes me feel bad. I swear I've never beaten him or even belittled him. 

[StacyK]

@Eastwood22 at least he's nice about it and stuff gets done. Sweet deal. 

Kitten Nip is in the archive. I can't copy the link for some reason. It was part of the Boho Cats. 

 

[Eggers]

19 hours ago, StacyK said:

@Eggers

B2.2 Is still here. Plenty in the store.

 

AW Eggers I always love seeing you here.

Yes. I think thats right. Kitten Nip had an ice cream sunday thing. I love it because it is a tasty, pretty, creamy blend. But, its not overwhelming.  

 

@Eastwood22I love a guy that cleans. I would not even mind if he reminded me to use a plate as long as he didn't harp on. lol 

Wow. Cleaning the walls.  Impressive.

 

What?! No!!! B2.2 is still there???   Omg, that's exciting! Why did I think it had been "canceled". (Sorry, I just woke up & know that's not the right word! Lol). 

 

And thank you. I really, really needed distraction yesterday. 

18 hours ago, Eastwood22 said:

I understand the cleaning to alleviate stress, I wish that I'd catch that bug soon! For me, it's more like a random inspiration than the daily maintenance required. I hate that when I do have the inspiration my man feels need to jump up alongside me and pitch in when he does so much more than me, but he gets very uncomfortable if I'm cleaning and he's not. I've asked him to just stay seated and he says he just cannot.

I'm so not domestic, and he is, so I know he appreciates when I try. It's funny because he's a Gemini on the outside but all touchy-feely sensitive cancer underneath. You know that thing from the 50's thats circulated around, about how a woman should pick up house and freshen up and make the kids presentable right before the all powerful breadwinner returns to his palace? It's never been a total joke to me, the feel of it seems somewhat reasonable, if you remove the gender roles. If one person has worked hard all day, why not want them to feel a sense of peace and relief upon returning home?

When I'm in between teaching a morning class and picking up kids and taxiing them around and making dinner and then going back to work, I like to lay around on the sofa watching tv, eating, and drinking coffee. Sometimes I craft, sometimes I open packages, whatever I'm doing, I'm making a mess. The coffee table, kitchen cutting board, stove, and sink can always tell stories about my day. I try to sit with kids when I feed them instead of running around cleaning the kitchen, so there's often that mess, too. So sometimes when my man is on his way home, I set a timer for 5 min of pickup for each room that I'd been messing up. Five minutes per room doesn't seem like a lot, but it makes quite the dent!

I'm wondering about this Kitten Nip. Ice Cream and cozy pheros sounds like a win-win.

That's the part that's crazy making. He never harps, he speaks slowly and patiently, carefully measuring his words. My best guess is that he's thinking, "it's not her fault, this is all new information to her. She just fell from space and she doesn't understand normal human behavior. I must make sure not to shame her or tell her she did something wrong, I'll just make it sound like a friendly request. If I say it wrong, I know she'll lose her shit and start throwing plates and knives at my head and then everyone will die." That's what makes me feel bad. I swear I've never beaten him or even belittled him. 

 

My cleaning binges are more of a sporadic kind of thing, and they mostly happen when I'm restless in mind and body and need something to distract me from my thoughts. I'm trying very hard to at least maintain the everyday kind of stuff, because over the last couple of years, (since Nuts was so sick), I've come to realize that life is just much easier when those jobs are done. I'm way less anxious when I'm not fretting about the most basic things being done. And quite honestly, I get so distracted by the details of things, or the order that they ought to be done in, that when I go on big cleaning binges, I rarely get all the stuff done that I wanted to. My Mum is convinced that I have OCD tendencies, because it's such a production for me to actually get these things done. And I think she might be right... 

 

Ah... I see the issue with BF. He's all Gemini - no squishy Cancer stuff underneath.   He's getting better about helping. But it still takes a lot of convincing sometimes. Although now that we've had SO MANY conversations in which I've explained that I actually DO need help with stuff and that I shouldn't be responsible for every "adult" thing in our relationship/lives, sometimes it just comes down to my asking him straight out: "do you mind whipping up those dishes while I'm at work?". He'll wait until the very last moment before I get home to do them, but they do get done. I've had enough meltdowns, I guess, about being completely overwhelmed with stuff, that he's finally paying attention and taking me seriously. But really: Gemini Sun, Moon & Mars, (Sun & Mars conjunct). I do have to be careful about how I talk to him about it, because he's really had no instruction in this area of life. I can hurt his feelings pretty easily if I'm too blunt or angry with him about it. And it doesn't feel very nice to hurt the feelings of a big Teddy bear like him. 

 

I make the same kinds of messes as you do every single day. I have books and papers piled up, the kitchen is forever a shambles because I'm always cooking and experimenting and making smoothies and blah blah blah. I am not what you would call a tidy person. At present, there are 4 laundry baskets full of clean clothes in my living room. No joke. There are also two piles of books that I'm currently reading, sitting both on top of and below our coffee table. There are also two empty Amazon boxes lying around, and an open reusable shopping bag that crinkles, because cats.   

 

Okay, well now I know I've got some phero replenishment to do, (of the ones that I wear most often), and I can add B2.2 to the list!!! WOOT! This is very exciting news to me.  

 

I'm thinking about hitting a little more Teddy BB for work tonight. I'm gonna give it a test run, but in Jubilee this time. I may just start experimenting with these calming pheros, (rather than the more social ones) for work. I think they could be pretty useful for me at the moment. Well, maybe not B2.2 - I don't need to fall asleep while taking orders.  

 

 

[halo0073]

Yep B2.2 will be around as long as Mara wants it to be. It’s our own slightly reworked made in house version of Diane’s B2 which is what was discontinued years back.

 

I am jealous of anyone who gets any help around the house. I get zero. I’m naturally bad at cleaning due to my ADHD and I now have a ton of other chronic health conditions That make it super hard. I get NO help which is bad enough but I also get shamed about it all the time so it’s become probably the biggest stressor in my life. I don’t get shamed every day or anything but I shame myself constantly so it gives me awful anxiety 

[Snoopyace]

29 minutes ago, halo0073 said:

Yep B2.2 will be around as long as Mara wants it to be. It’s our own slightly reworked made in house version of Diane’s B2 which is what was discontinued years back.

 

I am jealous of anyone who gets any help around the house. I get zero. I’m naturally bad at cleaning due to my ADHD and I now have a ton of other chronic health conditions That make it super hard. I get NO help which is bad enough but I also get shamed about it all the time so it’s become probably the biggest stressor in my life. I don’t get shamed every day or anything but I shame myself constantly so it gives me awful anxiety 

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't getting any help at home.  I can completely empathize with your situation.  

[Eastwood22]

1 hour ago, halo0073 said:

 

I am jealous of anyone who gets any help around the house. I get zero. I’m naturally bad at cleaning due to my ADHD and I now have a ton of other chronic health conditions That make it super hard. I get NO help which is bad enough but I also get shamed about it all the time so it’s become probably the biggest stressor in my life. I don’t get shamed every day or anything but I shame myself constantly so it gives me awful anxiety 

I also have the ADHD, it's really easy to get overwhelmed and just give up. And I'm also constantly self-shaming. If my BF didn't keep a basic structure of dishes cleaned and fighting his constant uphill battle of a few flat surfaces cleared, there would be no "outline" for me to follow. I do have a FlyLady app on my phone that has morning, afternoon, and evening/before bed checklists for me to follow. (Her suggestions and like 10 more of my own.) I rarely complete them, but at least it gives me a logical list to follow without having to make decisions. 

 

8 hours ago, Eggers said:

At present, there are 4 laundry baskets full of clean clothes in my living room. 

My daybed in living/dining room is almost always covered with laundry that needs to be folded and put away. Once a month, my BIL comes for a 4 day weekend and it's always clear then and maybe a few days afterwards. On my FlyLady routines lists, I have to put away 5 pieces of laundry morning, noon, and night. Way less commitment then "fold laundry," and makes magical dents in the pile with no pressure to finish. It's the exact opposite of "doing all the dishes," but keeps things moving along.

10 hours ago, StacyK said:

@Eastwood22 at least he's nice about it and stuff gets done. Sweet deal. 

 

Oh, I know. Just causes me a little anxiety/shame now and again. Like right now, I'm watching some silly LOL Surprise dollhouse Youtube videos on giant TV with my kids (my daughter is LOL crazy and has the dollhouse) and my man is at work. I know I should get up and make myself useful around here....

[Eggers]

3 hours ago, halo0073 said:

Yep B2.2 will be around as long as Mara wants it to be. It’s our own slightly reworked made in house version of Diane’s B2 which is what was discontinued years back.

 

I am jealous of anyone who gets any help around the house. I get zero. I’m naturally bad at cleaning due to my ADHD and I now have a ton of other chronic health conditions That make it super hard. I get NO help which is bad enough but I also get shamed about it all the time so it’s become probably the biggest stressor in my life. I don’t get shamed every day or anything but I shame myself constantly so it gives me awful anxiety 

 

B2.2. That is just freakin' SWEET! I told my Mum way back that I couldn't get her a bottle 'cause it had been discontinued. Whoops! I'll have to get one for each of us now. 

 

I don't get a whole lot of help around the house, either. We're kinda sorta starting to figure it out, but it's still an uphill battle. I get really anxious about shit not getting done, too. I try not to, but can't seem to help myself. 

 

Maybe we both need to get ourselves UN LFN in oil? Didn't that work for both of us at one point? Do you remember me posting about that day I wore UN LFN, and thought I was gonna get SO LAID, and instead I wound up cleaning the whole entire house and cooking everything I could get my hands on? (And then I still got laid! ). 

2 hours ago, Eastwood22 said:

I also have the ADHD, it's really easy to get overwhelmed and just give up. And I'm also constantly self-shaming. If my BF didn't keep a basic structure of dishes cleaned and fighting his constant uphill battle of a few flat surfaces cleared, there would be no "outline" for me to follow. I do have a FlyLady app on my phone that has morning, afternoon, and evening/before bed checklists for me to follow. (Her suggestions and like 10 more of my own.) I rarely complete them, but at least it gives me a logical list to follow without having to make decisions. 

 

My daybed in living/dining room is almost always covered with laundry that needs to be folded and put away. Once a month, my BIL comes for a 4 day weekend and it's always clear then and maybe a few days afterwards. On my FlyLady routines lists, I have to put away 5 pieces of laundry morning, noon, and night. Way less commitment then "fold laundry," and makes magical dents in the pile with no pressure to finish. It's the exact opposite of "doing all the dishes," but keeps things moving along.

Oh, I know. Just causes me a little anxiety/shame now and again. Like right now, I'm watching some silly LOL Surprise dollhouse Youtube videos on giant TV with my kids (my daughter is LOL crazy and has the dollhouse) and my man is at work. I know I should get up and make myself useful around here....

I don't have ADHD, but I do get easily overwhelmed, and give up, (partly because I feel that there's a proper order in which I need to do things, otherwise I don't get it done right - which is why my Mum thinks I might have OCD. She might have a point...). There's just SO MUCH to do sometimes. I'm starting to get into a bit of a groove, now that my work schedule has improved, but it doesn't take much to knock me right out of my groove. 

 

I've actually gotten into the habit of writing down what I want to accomplish, WITHOUT the expectation that I'll get through all of it, because I KNOW that I won't, so I can cross it off my list, and choose the things that I feel are gonna make my life easiest if I do get them done. The rest can wait. (I wanna stop killing myself trying to keep a spic'n'span house, 'cause there are just so many other things I'd rather be doing). I've also gotten into the habit of talking out loud - yes, I have gone slightly insane - to my dishes, and the toilet, and the vacuum and the floor, and the whatever-else-is-gonna-get-cleaned-or-help-me-clean. I make a big pile of laundry and set it aside while I start the dishes, (because I need the stupid kitchen sink empty before I can start laundry), and say, "Okay, so I'm gonna wash YOU, clothes, but first I'm gonna wash YOU, dishes and get you outta the effin' way, and then, Vacuum, you and I have a date on the stairs..." I know it sounds monstrously insane, but it works for me. I get a few things done, and then I lounge around, eat, have a coffee, listen to some tunes, blah-whatever-blah. And then I go for another little round. If I can get a few "rounds" of stuff in every day, the house stays pretty clean. CLEAN. Not tidy. But clean is the part that feels most important and pressing. Untidy is just annoying. Unclean freaks me out. 

[StacyK]

4 hours ago, halo0073 said:

Yep B2.2 will be around as long as Mara wants it to be. It’s our own slightly reworked made in house version of Diane’s B2 which is what was discontinued years back.

 

I am jealous of anyone who gets any help around the house. I get zero. I’m naturally bad at cleaning due to my ADHD and I now have a ton of other chronic health conditions That make it super hard. I get NO help which is bad enough but I also get shamed about it all the time so it’s become probably the biggest stressor in my life. I don’t get shamed every day or anything but I shame myself constantly so it gives me awful anxiety 

I am Dyslexic and ADD (no H). I had to know and about 10 years ago I was diagnosed. My doctor said "Its really ashame because you're so smart and if there had been someone to diagnose you in school your life might be very different". (umm ok) It was both a relief and a bummer. 

 

Halo, I had the same issue and its not completely gone. But, its better. I still get stressed/guilty over it. But, less so. Which ironically makes it easier to at least accomplish one task. I have a lot more control over the cleaning now.  I found some little tricks that help me too. It was easier for me when the kids got older. Its tougher when they are younger. And running the errands and wrangling the kids IS WORK. Its physical and mental. You're emotionally invested so it can get phyiscally exhausting. Add on health issues and something has to give. Everyone should pitch in and accept that.

I'd rather see a loving parent who spends time with the kids than a bitter,  emotionally abusive, clean freak.

 

@Eastwood22 that last bit is for you too. 

Oh yes,  I used Fly Lady 18 years ago. B4 apps

The basic concept was/is helpful. 

I have a variety of things I have absorbed over the years some helped others, not so much. 

I think I'll put a housekeeping page in my journal. (tomorrow). 

 

Stay happy ladies. My kids are both out of High School now. Trust me it goes by so fast. 

 

Edited May 20, 2019 by StacyK

[Eastwood22]

@StacyK I agree on the happy family vs everyone on edge/clean freak thing. Life is just stressful and we all have entirely too much crap.

 

Regarding the ADD/ADHD thing and early intervention vs getting help in one's later years, I was recently discussing mental health stuff with a girlfriend who asked what I was on and I told her Concerta. She said she needed to look into it and I laughed at her and told her she didn't need it. It's rediculous when high achievers tell me they have self-diagnosed ADHD, I thought it was happening again. (She's got her masters degree, teaches college classes full time, is main breadwinner for her family and has dinner on the table every night. Plus her house is tidy and she's a great mom.) She told me that she's been on ADD meds since her parents put her on them after she failed her second year of primary school (5th and 9th) at a private school with only 10 kids per class. I had no idea. She only meant trying a new prescription! She's an example of an early intervention success story.

 

I was actually diagnosed crazy young, and my mom did that "you're just not challenging her enough," thing, so they gave me other aptitude tests and then moved me up, so I could just be floundering with older kids. That was cool. I got re-diagnosed at my ex's insistence, because I'd do spacey shit and he was sure I'd burn the house down. Getting the meds was like finally turning on the windshield wipers after driving through the rain for 41 years. Early intervention is key because more pliable brains can develop the neuropathways from reusing them (with meds) so the brain will eventually just make those connections on their own. And also, of course, develop the right habits! That's part of why I still use FlyLady, still working on my habits. And making decisions burns glucose in the brain and there's only so much to go around, I need to save my finite decision making chances for important shit, like which cat food to buy and which cookies to eat.

@Eggers none of it sounds insane. I'm glad you talk to your dishes and laundry, let's them know who's boss. I have been told procrastinators are really closet perfectionists, sounds like that's what's happening with you. That's not OCD, it's attention to detail and perfectionism. Try to remember that DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT. I go completely off plot, myself. Like folding laundry turned into moving shit around in my closet and hen removing a few folded t-shirts from the dresser because I've been meaning to cut them, anyway. But I also have the closet perfectionism, I fold everything on two different sized folding boards and they have to be just so-so. Never you mind the other 100 things that need to get folded and put away, those 10 things are perfect!!!

1 hour ago, Eggers said:

actually gotten into the habit of writing down what I want to accomplish, WITHOUT the expectation that I'll get through all of it, because I KNOW that I won't, so I can cross it off my list, and choose the things that I feel are gonna make my life easiest if I do get them done. The rest can wait. 

This is kind of like my 3 FlyLady check lists. But I just try to keep them in order of importance, top to bottom, so I don't even need to make those choices, because I'm not really going to get it all done.

[halo0073]

I used to use FLYLady back when it was a yahoo group list thing! I still have my binder with all the forms and sheets! I only use the address section though. You know it was very helpful for me so maybe I’ll try downloading the app. I e actually had the most productive week I’ve had in months last week because I’ve been in distress pretty much since February thanks to my ever worsening fibro flares. Thanks for reminding me of her.

[Eastwood22]

@halo0073 that's awesome! I had the wall calendar and the stickers, but I didn't do the "control journal." If I was a paper person I would, though. I like the app with my routines listed, and you can add whatever you want. Like my #1 nighttime agenda item, to set the coffee pot for the morning. But I've always liked how she breaks things down, like 15 min of decluttering. That's why I set timer for 5 minutes per room and only commit to fold and put away 5 clothing items 3X a day. Having to "clean the house" will have me shopping for imaginary dream homes on Ziprealty in no time. Her way is to do a whole load start to finish everyday, but I do what's best for me.

This is how she helped me today, I have an item on my morning list called "think about who is home for dinner." Not plan it or cook it or even decide what to make, just to simply wrap my brain around who will be home and where they'll be coming from. That kind of low pressure got not just a dinner but a great dinner on the table, thinking about them and their needs and how I can love them up, instead of just doing another chore. 

And, check it out, I did indeed shine my sink tonight! 

[StacyK]

8 hours ago, Eastwood22 said:

@halo0073 that's awesome! I had the wall calendar and the stickers, but I didn't do the "control journal." If I was a paper person I would, though. I like the app with my routines listed, and you can add whatever you want. Like my #1 nighttime agenda item, to set the coffee pot for the morning. But I've always liked how she breaks things down, like 15 min of decluttering. That's why I set timer for 5 minutes per room and only commit to fold and put away 5 clothing items 3X a day. Having to "clean the house" will have me shopping for imaginary dream homes on Ziprealty in no time. Her way is to do a whole load start to finish everyday, but I do what's best for me.

This is how she helped me today, I have an item on my morning list called "think about who is home for dinner." Not plan it or cook it or even decide what to make, just to simply wrap my brain around who will be home and where they'll be coming from. That kind of low pressure got not just a dinner but a great dinner on the table, thinking about them and their needs and how I can love them up, instead of just doing another chore. 

And, check it out, I did indeed shine my sink tonight! 

I

The 15 min cleans and shine your sink (along with clear counters)are still something I do today. Since you mentioned this I went to the site. I notice that ADHD is mentioned quite a bit. It is helpful for us with that condition. Glad people made that connection. 

[halo0073]

I downloaded the app but have not done any of the tasks. I did do several hours of cleaning in my room yesterday which is the right zone so that’s something. I also ordered everything for an entire bedroom redo. 

[StacyK]

1 hour ago, halo0073 said:

I downloaded the app but have not done any of the tasks. I did do several hours of cleaning in my room yesterday which is the right zone so that’s something. I also ordered everything for an entire bedroom redo. 

Awesome.  Let me know how you like their products. I did sign up for their emails on the website. 

[halo0073]

Oh no I ordered room decor, to makeover my bedroom completely, not Fly Lady products. 10 years ago when I followed her I did buy several of her products. Control Journal which I still use parts of years later, the little silicone hand tool which I love and still use to clean out the dryer vent, and the broom. Bought two of those and they both broke pretty quickly. Oh and the cleaning clothes. They were good but these days those type of things are everywhere. I have no idea if she is still selling those items. I feel like I may have bought more but I can’t remember. Oh the calendar!