Need advice on phero selection - have bf responses to share - need help with next choices

[shehoss99]

hi there,

 

First, I want to apologize to the handful of beautiful women who responded to me months ago when I first started investigating pheromones. Two of you (one from Argentina, the other from Mexico...I think) offered personal contact and support for me during heavy heavy illness and relationship problems. And other lovely ladies sold me phero samples. I did not respond from total overwhelm with my situation, exacerbated symptoms, and trying to stay offline as much as I could. AND...I WAS SO GRATEFUL for everyone's support and love! And, I WOULD like to connect at some point--I will be hunting down those message links...I am just still in overwhelm, and the relationship is on its very last gasps.

 

I have about 45 days to finally make a difference. The pheromones have been very weak in effect for me, and have garnered no actual sexual response. Which I really really need to have a hope of re-bonding!

 

background: my bf is exhausted from 6 years of behing with me through 6 years of illness. i am actually doing better than even 2 years ago, but his deep associations of me are from the times of heavy duress. He is an introvert, I am an extrovert. he needs quiet, I need talk and connection. I have altered my behavior greatly to accomodate his preferences, but he just can't "register it" it seems. he acknowledges it intellectually, but energetically, the friction of old remains. I was completely unable to keep our home from being a disaster area, and was distraught much of the time....

 

So.....talked to Mara months ago, and we decided on an approach of soothing him, and not doing anything too "talky" or "busy" with him, althoug hI have now strayed from that approach in my experimentation.

 

What i have found is that social pheros seem to get the best response from him! I definitely can calm the situation with Elixir of silver, and mu hunch is that he socials are working because we are so incredibly estranged and the energetic barriar between us is so huge, that these ice breakers enable him to actually come forward and open up, overcoming the historical push-away. I was surprised by this response. Alas, nothing has gotten a serious sexual response. And that's what I need to have happen. We are taking a last vacation together for the holidays. It's now or never!!!!

 

So, Phero Queens, can anyone derive from these results what might be a good choice of pheromone for me? So far, he is not a fan of LP scents at all. But he loves essential oils. so I want to try one of the $15 bottles and cover with EO's.

 

From my samples, here's my data:

 

 

 

 

Best:

Open windows – very solicitious and flirty. No hard (so to speak hahaha) sexual response.

 

Good:

Silver potion – he seems to be calmed by this

Portmanteau (perfect match)– decent amount of attention to me.

 

Sexology- mild sexual responses.

 

Whose that girl – (popularity potion)he talked his head off! Which is helpful in a way, because he’s an introvert and never wants to talk to me. But…not sexual in ANY way.

 

 

Mediocre:

Detective and Dame – mediocre (super sexy)

Cuddle bunny

 

Seemed dismissive of me on:

Sexpionage

Magnet

OCCO

Cuddle bunny

Blatant Invitation

Audacious

BAM

BANG

 

 

 

 

 

thanks for your thoughts!

happy holidays to all

[Dolly]

Hi there sweetie.....I have a strong opinion on this and being as I am known as "she who has no tact", I am just going to have to lay it out there, and I hope you don't get offended.

 

The blends that you say made him "dismissive" of you are the ones that would normally garner a sexual response, as most of them contain copulins, and some contain a lot of them. Maybe because of the issues in your relationship, he is not wanting to be sexual, so the sex signals in the copulins are putting him off. If you want to bond with him, and the socials make him open up, go with the socials and do not push the sex issue. Use the socials and TALK. Really bond.

 

This may make some people here upset, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am going to say it anyway......HAVING SEX WILL NOT FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP! It will not help you re-bond. Seriously. Re-bond emotionally and intellectually. Then, if sex happens, it will happen. It sounds like he is totally averse to sex right now, and I wouldn't push him. I am 45, and that is one thing that I have learned, and it is fact. If the relationship is truly broken, you may encourage him to have sex with you, but that does not mean that your relationship will be fixed.....in fact, it could make things worse by complicating things and confusing him further.

 

I would go strictly with socials and have a good time together over your vacation. Talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. If sex happens, let it happen naturally.

Edited November 30, 2012 by Dolly

[Raq On]

SheHOSS! I wondered where you galloped off to! I'm sorry to hear all of this, but I'm going to agree with Dolly. And add that sometimes once a dynamic is formed it can be pretty tought to break. If he sees you two as caregiver and "sick person" it may be hard to see you as a lover. I have experienced this in my family.

 

Stick with the open windows (or maybe treasured hearts?) and see if you can bond with him in a new and/or deeper way. Keep us posted will you? HUGS

[Calii]

!!! ....@ Dolly, :clapW2: clapw2:

 

 

[BlueBear]

I have altered my behavior greatly to accomodate his preferences, but he just can't "register it" it seems.

 

I don't know your situation, but if this were me, I don't know if I could be happy in a relationship if I couldn't be myself.

 

I agree with Dolly regarding the pheros. But I suggest sticking with Open Windows if that's what worked well on him. You said that opened him up, and that's the key to bonding. Good luck!!!

[bruiseviolet]

That's some good advice, Dolly.

[Queen of Swords]

Hi there sweetie.....I have a strong opinion on this and being as I am known as "she who has no tact", I am just going to have to lay it out there, and I hope you don't get offended.

 

The blends that you say made him "dismissive" of you are the ones that would normally garner a sexual response, as most of them contain copulins, and some contain a lot of them. Maybe because of the issues in your relationship, he is not wanting to be sexual, so the sex signals in the copulins are putting him off. If you want to bond with him, and the socials make him open up, go with the socials and do not push the sex issue. Use the socials and TALK. Really bond.

 

This may make some people here upset, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am going to say it anyway......HAVING SEX WILL NOT FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP! It will not help you re-bond. Seriously. Re-bond emotionally and intellectually. Then, if sex happens, it will happen. It sounds like he is totally averse to sex right now, and I wouldn't push him. I am 45, and that is one thing that I have learned, and it is fact. If the relationship is truly broken, you may encourage him to have sex with you, but that does not mean that your relationship will be fixed.....in fact, it could make things worse by complicating things and confusing him further.

 

I would go strictly with socials and have a good time together over your vacation. Talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. If sex happens, let it happen naturally.

 

You should write an advice column.

[JOC]

Hi Shehoss! I remember reading your posts and I hope you are better now. Please pardon me for saying aloud how I feel:

 

As I don't know you well enough, I do find having to change oneself to fit into a relationship extremely exhausting. I am willing to make minor changes, say e.g. doing laundry in a different way, having meals at a later time, etc. but having to fit a square peg into a round hole, no way. It just doesn't work in the long run. It's just like one was born as a leftie and made to be a rightie.

 

As Dolly has pointed out, enjoy your time together and if sex happens, it happens. He has been behind you for 6 difficult years so don't pressure him. Having sex out of pressure is different from having sex out of love and attraction. He has shown his love and commitement by being there for you all this time. You showed him your love through changing to fit him. I know the need and importance of physical display of affection and affirmation. If you need physical relief, please do help yourself. Focus on why he has been here for you and why he is still here and build it up from there.

 

If the relationship is truly broken, he's been seeing himself as a caregiver then there isn't very much you can do. I'm sorry to be this direct.

[Calii]

JOC...gosh that was awesome truly heartfelt advise too !

...can't be the 'mones,hell I'm wearing Leather,but that made me sniffle a bit

[Queen of Swords]

If the relationship is truly broken, he's been seeing himself as a caregiver then there isn't very much you can do. I'm sorry to be this direct.

 

Also true.

[shehoss99]

Dear beautiful thoughtful women!

 

Thank you so much for your heartfelt and sage advice. What you are saying is very helpful. I am happy to have the sexual pressure off, as I have been so focused on that for any last hope of real bonding. Also, the sexier pheromones made me feel oddly more exhausted, so I am happy to not need to focus on them.

 

And as I contemplate your remarks, it's so obvious: we are so far off of having sex, that there is no way it could naturally transition to that this quickly. I have been working to re-bond though, in all the other ways you are saying, and it has been getting slowly better. I know that sex does not equal commitment or deep bonding, but I had felt like if there was NO SEX, then any re-bonding that had happened was not "good enough". So I will keep with the light flirty fun approach I have been taking, and if things shift before I move out, ole! and if not...well, there it is. Ladies, thanks for that! Seriously, I just had such a sigh of relief on that front.

 

And...sitting here recalling all that has gone on.....I just want to take a public moment to massively pat myself on the back and give myself a big gold trophy for how hard I have worked at this, all the while feeling like hell, working to hide it, re-focusing on Dmitry, the relationship, on myself and sexuality, growing, stretching, arghing, and keeping going! I have been such a heroine in this! and in lots of things.... So, one outcome that is "in the bag" from all of this: I am a rock star!

 

and...This is definitely a sniffles situation, actually, it's a river of tears. I cannot express the depth of the tragedy of my life or the ramifications of this break up. It is far beyond any normal end of love. in addition to the harships of heart, for complex reasons, i will be homeless, I will not be able to treat the Lyme for the forseeable future, etc. etc.

 

I feel so sad, and also I am grateful for many things in my life, at this moment coming to mind.... this forum, my experiences here, the delights of learning about the scents, and for Dmitry and all I have learned with, and been given by him. and...my hardwon kickass rockstar status.

 

It was definitely worth this last shot. And I so appreciate having your candid thoughts to help me keep perspective.

 

Great to hear from the few of you I "know" or remember from before! Raqs--hope you're doing great back in our neck of the woods and dancing your heart out!

 

I am back in West Virginia right now helping my also very ill parents.... btw, to everyone: Lyme Disease: DO NOT GET IT AT ALL COSTS!!!!

 

I was pretty lucky to have a man who is not my husband stick with me as long as he did. I know of so many even more tragic stories out there, stories that involve abandoned ill wives with children. I had hoped that maybe pheromones would be able to help other women like me who had gotten so ill that their spouses and mates lost interest in them after coming to view themselves as caregivers alone.... it's a common story in the world of Lyme, and I am sure for many long-term or chronic illnesses.

 

If anyone knows of someone in the pheromone world who did have a success story with an illness situation like that, I'd love to hear it. Not so much for myself at this point, but so I could encourage any such women I come across to try pheros since my experiment hasn't gone that well.... but maybe that bridge just can't get uncrossed....? God only knows what kind of pheromones a chronically ill distraught woman hammers into her mate's brain. And of course, to re-weave such a damaged relationship takes art far beyond olfactory devices....and there are instrinsic truths to a coupledom that may prevent reconciliation regardles.... so a sample test population of one or two is hardly conclusive. stil.... it would be great to know if there has been any woman who was victorious using pheromones in such a scenario.

 

as an idealist, i would like to think that true love conquers all. but..as i have aged and watched the world around me, i think that true love too needs a hell of a lot of help. and also that there are very few loves that are of the most golden truth.

 

a parting thought for you lasses: in my search for tools and resources, I came across an astonishingly simple and great approach to relationships called "Marriage Fitness", an info-selling site owned by a guy named Mort Fertel. It didn't save me and dmitry, but it has saved two of our friend's marriages since I referred them to it. I just wrote myself out of energy to explain it, but you can buy his book on Amazon used for $4ish, and it gives you the gist. or sign up for his newsletter. marriagemax.com It's your standard cheesy info-selling techniques, so don't be turned off by that, because the information is stellar. A far sounder approach than any kind of traditional couples counselling I ever encountered, and it has a beautiful evolutionary focus, both for the individuals, and the vision of couple-dom. loved it!

 

keep some fingers crossed for me for the last tango!

thanks again for the wise words,

xo

[Dolly]

I don't know your situation, but if this were me, I don't know if I could be happy in a relationship if I couldn't be myself.

 

 

I would have to agree with this as well......I have been there, and all it built was resentment and anger.......been there, done that, got the T shirt and the matching hat! As JOC said, I found that little accommodations for your partner are fine......but if you have to change your personality, your authentic "self" as it were, it will never work in the long term. You will never be happy by suppressing YOU.

 

SheHoss, I am sorry for all you are going through! Maybe through using the social pheros it will allow the two of you to get to know each other again, maybe you can work out a better scenario. Maybe he would be willing to once again stick by you......maybe not as a lover, but as a friend. If things develop beyond friendship, its all good. But if not, at least the "relationship pressure" would be off for both of you.

 

Good luck to you!

[Dolly]

You should write an advice column.

 

Thank you, dear.

 

I have been in too many broken relationships to count, so I have a LOT of advice on this front, for sure. It has taken years of looking back, seeing where things went wrong, re-experiencing the pain, and then moving on. Reminding myself that relationships don't always have to fail, but sometimes, they are destined to do so........you may prolong the inevitable, but if it is not fixable, then it is usually best to "put a period and move on".

 

But one f the main boundaries that I will never let anyone cross again is that "what you see is what you get". Walking on eggshells is totally exhausting......I will be me, regardless of who I am with or what we are doing.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Dolly

[quietguy]

I am sorry to hear about both the Lyme Disease and your relationship. I have had one friend with Lyme Disease. It can be really really bad. We check ourselves for ticks all the time where I live and actually avoid certain areas because of it.

 

If everything about the relationship that is imprinted on him is the negative from years past, it can take a while for him to see the change. But it also sounds like he is holding a lot of anger and resentment in. He will need to get that out. Yes - he did do a lot of caretaking and gave up a part of his life caring for you. But if he can see that all that effort he poured into the relationship is going to pay off in the form of a strong relationship with a dedicated friend/lover then maybe he would change his outlook.

 

Dolly really did give you some great advice:

 

Stick with the socials. Build the relationship up the personal, emotional, and intellectual if you can. If he is an introvert and you are very much an extrovert - make that an extrovert hispanic female personality (haha - I know the type well!) and I am sure when you throw on the "sex mixes" then he is just overwhelmed. Mix that with his view of you as ill and sexually unvailable - just very confusing.

 

If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, then you will not be happy. We all make accomodations to make a relationship work, but you have to be able to be yourself and be able to grow individually and together as a couple.

 

Sex is never the basis of a lasting relationship. The icing on the cake for sure. Often part of the mortar that holds the bricks together. But never the bricks themselves.

 

Pheromones will not save or make a relationship, nor make someone do anything they do not want to do. Relationship is entirely up to you. All pheromones do is amp you up. You are more you in that aspect (social, sexual, etc.) of your personality. To me, pheromones are more like subconscious hints and whispers. It is always up to you to get the other person to act on those hints.

 

A married guy's perspective ...

 

Edit: I hate making spelling mistakes!

Edited December 1, 2012 by quietguy

[Dolly]

And that ^ is why I love you QG!

 

Very aptly put.....

 

As I have said before, pheros are YOU ON STEROIDS.......

[Dolly]

 

 

If everything about the relationship that is imprinted on him is the negative from years past, it can take a while for him to see the change. But it also sounds like he is holding a lot of anger and resentment in. He will need to get that out. Yes - he did do a lot of caretaking and gave up a part of his life caring for you. But if he can see that all that effort he poured into the relationship is going to pay off in the form of a strong relationship with a dedicated friend/lover then maybe he would change his outlook.

 

Dolly really did give you some great advice:

 

Stick with the socials. Build the relationship up the personal, emotional, and intellectual if you can. If he is an introvert and you are very much an extrovert - make that an extrovert hispanic female personality (haha - I know the type well!) and I am sure when you throw on the "sex mixes" then he is just overwhelmed. Mix that with his view of you as ill and sexually unvailable - just very confusing.

 

If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, then you will not be happy. We all make accomodations to make a relationship work, but you have to be able to be yourself and be able to grow individually and together as a couple.

 

Sex is never the basis of a lasting relationship. The icing on the cake for sure. Often part of the mortar that holds the bricks together. But never the bricks themselves.

 

 

I just re-read this again....QG......I love your input from a committed male perspective.....I don't use the term "married", because that is actually the legal connotation. Many males may not be legally married but still share your same views.....I am with one.....we are not legally married, but mentally and spirutually, we are one.

 

Many women on the singles scene see only the men out there with the PUA views and it is very discouraging to many females. I know there are men out there like you who honor the values and commitment that women are looking for. The ones who rush into bed are usually NOT the ones that will stick around....

 

I also think that this man.....who stuck with her while she was ill......is more of a MAN than many that you will find out there today. But if she can remind him of who she was BEFORE the illness and build THAT part of the relationship, it will be more important than any "booty call".

 

HUGS to you QG....always love to read your input!

[dolphindolls2]

Hi there sweetie.....I have a strong opinion on this and being as I am known as "she who has no tact", I am just going to have to lay it out there, and I hope you don't get offended.

 

The blends that you say made him "dismissive" of you are the ones that would normally garner a sexual response, as most of them contain copulins, and some contain a lot of them. Maybe because of the issues in your relationship, he is not wanting to be sexual, so the sex signals in the copulins are putting him off. If you want to bond with him, and the socials make him open up, go with the socials and do not push the sex issue. Use the socials and TALK. Really bond.

 

This may make some people here upset, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am going to say it anyway......HAVING SEX WILL NOT FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP! It will not help you re-bond. Seriously. Re-bond emotionally and intellectually. Then, if sex happens, it will happen. It sounds like he is totally averse to sex right now, and I wouldn't push him. I am 45, and that is one thing that I have learned, and it is fact. If the relationship is truly broken, you may encourage him to have sex with you, but that does not mean that your relationship will be fixed.....in fact, it could make things worse by complicating things and confusing him further.

 

I would go strictly with socials and have a good time together over your vacation. Talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. If sex happens, let it happen naturally.

 

Dolly, this is so true, if you only have sex in a relationship its really not a good building block for a lifetime of being together...and I love your bluntness, I wish more folks were this way

[Dolly]

Dolly, this is so true, if you only have sex in a relationship its really not a good building block for a lifetime of being together...and I love your bluntness, I wish more folks were this way

 

I have had some relationships that were built on nothing but sex....and granted the sex was GREAT.....and they were HOT.......it still didn't last.....surprise surprise!

 

I am known in my circle of family and friend as "she who has no tact"....sometimes they don't like it, but sometimes, my bluntness is exactly what they need......

[Eggers]

I've been following along here... And I agree with everything everyone's said.

QG, I love getting the male viewpoint, too. It's always greatly appreciated.

And Dolly, I dig your bluntness, too. I hate having to wade through people's efforts to be diplomatic and tactful, (though I'm guilty of this myself at times). I'd rather just hear what I need to hear, point blank.

[Dolly]

I've been following along here... And I agree with everything everyone's said.

 

QG, I love getting the male viewpoint, too. It's always greatly appreciated.

 

And Dolly, I dig your bluntness, too. I hate having to wade through people's efforts to be diplomatic and tactful, (though I'm guilty of this myself at times). I'd rather just hear what I need to hear, point blank.

 

Well, I will usually be the one who is point blank! So, if I respond, people just need to understand that I am not trying to BE HARSH....I am just that way!

[Mrschrissyrez]

Shehoss, I can't imagine going through all of this

 

Wishing you all the best things, and sending love and light

 

 

P.S.- Dolly gave you wonderful advice, so there wasn't anything to add

 

P.P.S.- Dolly rocks!!

[Eggers]

 

 

Well, I will usually be the one who is point blank! So, if I respond, people just need to understand that I am not trying to BE HARSH....I am just that way!

 

You don't sound harsh at all.

[Beccah]

Hi there sweetie.....I have a strong opinion on this and being as I am known as "she who has no tact", I am just going to have to lay it out there, and I hope you don't get offended.

 

The blends that you say made him "dismissive" of you are the ones that would normally garner a sexual response, as most of them contain copulins, and some contain a lot of them. Maybe because of the issues in your relationship, he is not wanting to be sexual, so the sex signals in the copulins are putting him off. If you want to bond with him, and the socials make him open up, go with the socials and do not push the sex issue. Use the socials and TALK. Really bond.

 

This may make some people here upset, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am going to say it anyway......HAVING SEX WILL NOT FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP! It will not help you re-bond. Seriously. Re-bond emotionally and intellectually. Then, if sex happens, it will happen. It sounds like he is totally averse to sex right now, and I wouldn't push him. I am 45, and that is one thing that I have learned, and it is fact. If the relationship is truly broken, you may encourage him to have sex with you, but that does not mean that your relationship will be fixed.....in fact, it could make things worse by complicating things and confusing him further.

 

I would go strictly with socials and have a good time together over your vacation. Talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. If sex happens, let it happen naturally.

I am in FULL agreement with you actually, Dolly.

I would go with Open Windows & I would suggest covering with Aura Cacia's Love Potion blend for essential oil cover, if that's what he's responding to. My SO doesn't necessarily respond well to some of the tried & true scents on here either. He doesn't seem to register EOs, though, so sometimes I can pull a sneak attack with this one as the essential oils in it set a more romantic tone. Unlike sexual pheromones though, the romantic/sexy essential oils can have a dual purpose of soothing & calming therapeutically.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Beccah

[samia]

hello Shehoss.

i truly hope you get a chance to come back online and i will introduce you to dr l wilson. he deals with a lot of lyme patients and by following his very easy and simple protocol- mostly diet related and nothing crazy or extreme except that he encorages dropping wheat/gluten and processed milk. i swear you will be healed, because u want to be and you been ready to be well... i know i say that with a lot of confidence, but yes you will. please please contact him at

Dr. Lawrence Wilson <larry@drlwilson.com>. he will definately advise you on which practitioner you could visit in your area. but the reason to contact him first is he has a grant that can get u supplements (vitamins n minerals)- if u cannot afford it.

i am sorry for the pain you go through, i dont hav lyme but i had a similar condition.

visit drlwilson dot com if u can.

i am with you!!! i felt id be damned if i dint share this information with you,

you are probably a lightworker needing healing.