Help saving relationship

[Tawny85]

Hi everyone,

I normally just read rather than post, but you all seem so helpful and I am in a love crisis! I am not sure if a phero will even assist me but here is the situation:

I am a 34 year old woman, in a relationship for the last 7 months with a 46 year old man. The first half of our relationship, the communication was great- he encouraged me to be more open etc. And the sex was PHENOMENAL- lasting hours and just intense (scorpio thing maybe?) Even when it was a quickie it was never vanilla or lacking passion. I would have never thought him to be even close to his age either , given his stamina and physique. So fast forward to month 4-he has an "equipment failure" here and there, who cares right? That stuff happens, but since then his drive has gone way down, foreplay has all but vanished, he keeps my shirt on and now his shirt too, and its just 5-10 minute no frills banging. I should also mention that we used to enjoy a little bit of nasty text messaging quite often too, now if I bring up sex at all he shuts down. I am tearing up writing this, I don't know what to do and he is horrible at talking when it comes to anything serious. I feel like something is wrong with me. At first I thought he was cheating but he is more affectionate than ever and wants to spend every waking moment with me.

Edited October 15, 2019 by Tawny85

[luna65]

If it is actually ED, then it's not you.  ED can do a big number on a guy's head.  I can't even begin to conceive of how it must feel to have something like that happen.  There is somewhat of an analogy to menopause but only somewhat.

 

It's two-fold in that he may need testosterone therapy.  But he has to be willing to examine that aspect for his own well-being.  And then there's what you can do.

 

Cops and sexual blends can potentially help with the motivation but the psychological aspect has to come from support and honest communication.  But that's if he's willing to talk about it.  In my own experience with this kind of thing it has to be honest talk.  Like, "Look I know it must be so weird and frustrating but I love you, I'm here for you, let's find a way to keep our physical intimacy continuing because I will always desire the person that you are."  And that may be a whole other dimension.  I think what he needs to understand, which may dismantle some of the reticence, is that you love him and while sex is important and wonderful, it's emotional intimacy which you desire most of all.

 

Finally, maybe create encounters which aren't about intercourse, but just enjoying each other in all other aspects.  That may lessen the pressure/anxiety to perform when it becomes not about performance but rather just the pleasure of being together.

[Potion Master]

Great advice from Luna, and I would also add looking into his diet. There are some foods that make men's testosterone levels drop like a brick. Licorice and Soy based foods  being two of the most extreme examples, and also some kinds of nuts. (There is debate about whether burning soy candles does the same thing as ingesting soy too btw). Likewise, there are foods that naturally boost testosterone. It would not hurt to do a little google research on the subject. I'm sorry you are going through this crisis and hope things work out for the best for you. Oh, also, anti-depressants and several other medications can effect this as well. Good luck!

[Tawny85]

Thanks ladies,

The thing is, he hasn't been having erection problems since that brief period. It's just the whole dynamic of sex has changed since then. And if I send a text or make a comment that is suggestive, he just casually changes the subject. I have wondered about testosterone too, but he won't even go to the Dr. for a general checkup so I am thinking this relationship is doomed 😕

Edited October 15, 2019 by Tawny85

[Tawny85]

Also, we have great nonsexual encounters, it's just when he decides it's time, he takes my pants off and does his thing and that's it. I've never been with a man that is so hell bent on being the tough guy

[Eve]

There are a couple dynamics  that may be in play. 
 

Men don’t like to fail (as if women do!) but the importance of ego and self perception of their  maleness can’t be discounted. 
 

Your guy might feel the need to do it quickly while he feels confident he can go the distance. He probably doesn’t know what triggered  episodes, DOES know he doesn’t want to recreate whatever it was that caused them to happen. 
 

Another factor, is the very real need for many guys to be in pursuit. There’s this push/pull balance that could be a larger part of what you’re describing. 
 

Him desiring to obtain the slightly elusive you, is a healthy kind of uncertainty, and  is entirely different than him being unsure of how well he can perform. 
 

I think copulins are your friend right now. Like your very very best most helpful friend. They really do produce a viagra type effect. And, he need never know (heh heh). 
 

And pheromones, sure, but, others on the forum are more knowledgeable as to which ones. I wouldn’t go for the heavy hitters like Sexpionage though. I’m thinking along the lines of LFM and LFN. Even Cougar, or Popularity Potion. 
 

And, don’t always be available. He should have to work for you.  You can turn it around to where he’s seeking to please you, but that probably won’t happen if you’re the one pushing for it. 
 

...Just my two cents. 

[quietguy]

7 hours ago, luna65 said:

If it is actually ED, then it's not you.  ED can do a big number on a guy's head.  I can't even begin to conceive of how it must feel to have something like that happen.  There is somewhat of an analogy to menopause but only somewhat.

 

It's two-fold in that he may need testosterone therapy.  But he has to be willing to examine that aspect for his own well-being.  And then there's what you can do.

 

Cops and sexual blends can potentially help with the motivation but the psychological aspect has to come from support and honest communication.  But that's if he's willing to talk about it.  In my own experience with this kind of thing it has to be honest talk.  Like, "Look I know it must be so weird and frustrating but I love you, I'm here for you, let's find a way to keep our physical intimacy continuing because I will always desire the person that you are."  And that may be a whole other dimension.  I think what he needs to understand, which may dismantle some of the reticence, is that you love him and while sex is important and wonderful, it's emotional intimacy which you desire most of all.

 

Finally, maybe create encounters which aren't about intercourse, but just enjoying each other in all other aspects.  That may lessen the pressure/anxiety to perform when it becomes not about performance but rather just the pleasure of being together.

 

Very good advice and commentary here. Her is going to have to take a look medically if anything is going on there - low testosterone and/or ED. But he has to take ownership of his health part of the equation. 

 

The commentary about doing a number on a guy's head is VERY true and as Eve states might well explain why he is rushing through sex with no foreplay - he is going for the intercourse while he knows he has an erection. It may could also explain he is shying away from sugestive texts for fear of creating a build up with you then not being able to carry through. 

 

This situation really can mess with a guy's head. 

 

So Luna's advice about honest and caring conversation is dead on. Who knows - maybe it is some emotional issue running around inside his head (as opposed to ED due to a physical cause) if he is not one to talk about serious issues. 

 

7 hours ago, Potion Master said:

Great advice from Luna, and I would also add looking into his diet. There are some foods that make men's testosterone levels drop like a brick. Licorice and Soy based foods  being two of the most extreme examples, and also some kinds of nuts. (There is debate about whether burning soy candles does the same thing as ingesting soy too btw). Likewise, there are foods that naturally boost testosterone. It would not hurt to do a little google research on the subject. 

 

Cannot emphasize that soy thing enough. A lot of "health" foods and even some powdered vitamin formulas are soy based. It can easily knock a guy's testosterone levels down. 

 

4 hours ago, Eve said:

There are a couple dynamics  that may be in play. 
 

Men don’t like to fail (as if women do!) but the importance of ego and self perception of their  maleness can’t be discounted. 
 

Your guy might feel the need to do it quickly while he feels confident he can go the distance. He probably doesn’t know what triggered  episodes, DOES know he doesn’t want to recreate whatever it was that caused them to happen. 
 

Another factor, is the very real need for many guys to be in pursuit. There’s this push/pull balance that could be a larger part of what you’re describing. 
 

Him desiring to obtain the slightly elusive you, is a healthy kind of uncertainty, and  is entirely different than him being unsure of how well he can perform. 
 

I think copulins are your friend right now. Like your very very best most helpful friend. They really do produce a viagra type effect. And, he need never know (heh heh). 
 

And pheromones, sure, but, others on the forum are more knowledgeable as to which ones. I wouldn’t go for the heavy hitters like Sexpionage though. I’m thinking along the lines of LFM and LFN. Even Cougar, or Popularity Potion. 
 

And, don’t always be available. He should have to work for you.  You can turn it around to where he’s seeking to please you, but that probably won’t happen if you’re the one pushing for it. 
 

...Just my two cents. 

 

Yes a lot of guys run off of the "Thrill of pursuit and conquest". But here you need to be careful - if it is ED due to low testosterone or other physical causes, then you pulling back may signal to his already troubled mind an emotional withdrawl caused by your dissatisfaction with the erection issue. Which would only make it worse.

 

Again, I think Luna's suggestion of plain and caring communication is key here. 

 

Something else that could cause this issue with a guy - physical performance issues and lack of physical desire while still affectionate - could be a little too much "self indulgence" with pornography. I am not  saying it is by any means. I think ED caused by *something* is the most probable issue. 

[raydee8_love]

1 hour ago, quietguy said:

he is going for the intercourse while he knows he has an erection

 

 I agree with this - preformance is at the top of his list -  and the big head needs to have the little head make it

 

ED is heartbreaking and can ruin a relationship if correct action is not taken - and medical checkup is needed 

[Tawny85]

Thank you everyone, I never push for it because well I have my pride. His self esteem has taken a nose dive so I think that is part of it. It is just hard for me as a direct person- he communicates in riddles I swear lol