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MeriendaTime

Suggestions for a crumbling relationship?

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Hey everyone,

 

I need suggestions for pheros that can assist in bringing the spark and care back in a relationship. My relationship has been on the rocks lately. In the beginning we were completely in love but I caused so many bumps in the road and he finally grew tired of it. We agreed to work out the kinks but he wasn't very cooperative and is now contemplating ending our relationship. :*(

 

We both still care and love each other but the many issues in our relationship has weakened our bond and affection for each other. Does anyone have any suggestions for something that will help in having him feel it's worth giving another shot? Or something that will assist in reigniting our feelings for one another?

 

I was contemplating on repurchasing heart and soul because it seem to have made him more caring and cuddly towards me. Perfect match also sounds good but I have no experience with it. Or if there are any other pheros or combos any of you ladies or gents can suggest, it would be very much appreciated.

 

 

 

Thanks.

 

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Our main problems were communication and trust. We communicate differently and have to take extra steps to understand one another, and that caused a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. And trust issues on my part also caused many problems.

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Hmm, such as Introversion verses Extroversion, personality clash, that kind of thing? Could you get in to more details? I haven't tried the Heart 2 Heart empathy related potion, but it sounds useful.

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We're both introverts but I speak more plainly and rational while he communicates with his feelings and ideas and in a way I have difficulty understanding. I didn't realize what the problem was in our mode of communication until recently, but it seems to be too late because he's been frustrated with how things are going, that he didn't really give it a fair chance for me to remedy.

 

Feelings are too abstract for me and seem inconsistent so I always questioned things he would say to clarify and it would escape me. He would angry and felt that I was questioning him like a drill seargeant. Haha. I've decided that I needed to cut back on that and try to approach him in a different manner, but again, it's been going on too long that theres now a loss of interest in trying.

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Oh and the heart and soul phero I've only got to use around him once and I ended up spilling the whole bottle. :( But I really liked the effects it gave. He seemed more attentive, gentle and caring.

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Great, now I'm curious about both of your natal charts. : P Your description of him does remind me of some of the Cancer/Piscean male types I've known though.

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I guess the Moon and rising sign would be a bit more important then-'course aspects to the Moon would be pretty important as well. You guys could also be having squares or oppositions between each other's natal Mercury and Moon. But without the chart there is a limit of how much I can comment on, even then I still need more books on it, especially translations of works by people who have been dead for thousands of years. Anyway it could be that he's more water heavy than you, but to be honest I'm only thinking about this in the modern psychological version of astrology right now which isn't free of its own problems, and can be rather shallow.

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Weeeeeeeeelllllllll........ok, here I go.....bear with me......

 

First of all, it sounds like the two of you need couples counseling, not pheromones, but that is just my first impression......

 

Now, I know this is probably not what you are going to want to hear, but......just be aware that pheromones are not a "fix" for all relationship issues......cops can bring a sexual spark back, and get you laid, but pheros cannot repair a relationship that has already broken at its core (trust me, I know from experience). And, if he has already made up his mind that ending it is the best thing, pheros will not change that. Pheros can steer things in a certain direction, but they cannot overcome free will.....sounds like what you need is some good, old-fashioned COMMUNICATION.

 

 

 

Now, if you don't want to see a professional counselor, but want to try something to promote communication and promote bonding......I would suggest something with Beta-Nol, such as TMI or True Confessions....if there is already tension etc, you can top it with Treasured Hearts, which works wonders in making my man who doesn't always want to share certain feelings feel comfortable doing so.

 

 

Another thing that troubles me is where you said "it seems to be too late because he's been frustrated with how things are going, that he didn't really give it a fair chance for me to remedy".......this sounds to me as if you are tying to change yourself or your true nature. You need to look at it and see.....are you going to change a "behavior", or part of your actual personality? Personality traits can be suppressed, but they will always resurface eventually (again, I know from experience). You should NOT try to change yourself in order to be what he wants. BE YOU. ALWAYS. As I always say.....Be you on steroids. You are a wonderful person just the way you are, and you should not have to change to be in a relationship. There is someone out there who will adore you the way you are NOW.....they will come along when you least expect it.....ok, I guess that is enough of my soapbox moment.....

 

 

 

I know that was not exactly the answer you wanted, but hope it helped anyways!

Edited by Dolly

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I agree with Dolly. You can't change your essential nature and changing FOR someone never works. The person you are with needs to love for you are, not they want you to be. You are not a fixer-upper.

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You are a wonderful person just the way you are, and you should not have to change to be in a relationship. There is someone out there who will adore you the way you are NOW.....they will come along when you least expect it.....

 

Here, here!! I have so many leadies in my life right now that need to hear this!!!

 

You're one step in the right direction in that you recognize that you have two different communication styles, and you do try to get him to clarify so that you understand where he's coming from and he gets irritated with the questions. Have you two discussed the fact that you do have the two different styles? You may have if this has gone on for awhile, but if you haven't, it's certainly an option. Then he would understand why you're "questioning him like a drill sergeant." This is where a therapist, or a minister, or even a relationship book that you both read and discuss together, will come in handy. After you've learned to communicate with each other effectively, that's when you can heal the other issues in your relationship that aren't being resolved due to that lack of communication. Heart and Soul and Perfect Match (I'm a huge fan of PM!!) are really good choices for enhancing bonding and communication, but they have to have something to enhance.

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Most excellent advice given,and especially Dolly's!

 

...PM is b-nol forward,worth a try.

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Dolly - Thanks for your input. There wasnt anything specific I wanted to hear, I'm open to any answers thrown at me. Your response was very insightful and inspiring. I wasn't planning on changing an aspect of my personality exactly but wanted to change how I approach him since it caused a lot of trouble. Counseling is probably a good idea but he's torn between wanting to work it out and thinking about fate and how if it was supposed to work out it would have on it's own. And so, I wanted to find a pheromone that would help push him in the direction of wanting to work at it by restoring his affection and not exactly a cure all. I will look into True Confessions or TMI since bonding is something I'm looking to achieve.

 

 

Skye - Thank you! I'll try to keep that in mind if ever I'm tempted to change an aspect of my personality for someone.

 

 

BlueBear - Thank you for your suggestions. What did you experience with Perfect Match? I really like Heart and Soul but only got to give it a proper go once. Are they similar?

 

We've only discussed our difference in communication style recently. He recognized there was a problem earlier on and tried to fix it but from a wrong angle. And I continued to throw put downs at him because he was unable to express himself in a way I deemed appropriate. This has gone on for a long time and I just realized that communication is the problem. What kept us together was how strongly we felt for one another. But the issues we had spoiled our feelings and made him tired of the trouble. He admits being feeling on and off about us. Wanting to stay together and forcing it and feeling if it was supposed to work it would have. I just want to find a phero that can perhaps reignite how we felt and push him into considering that it could be worth the effort of fixing.

Edited by MeriendaTime

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Most excellent advice given,and especially Dolly's!

 

...PM is b-nol forward,worth a try.

 

 

Thanks for the suggestion Calii, I'll look in PM.

 

 

Can enlighten about the difference between B-nol and DHEA? Do they both promote bonding?

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Check the phero wiki,link is Reading Room...yes they both offer bonding,but thinking about what you just said,if H&S was good perhaps you should stay with it...there is no EST in PM,but there is b-nol in H&S :)

 

And I continued to throw put downs at him because he was unable to express himself in a way I deemed appropriate.

 

seeing/acknowlegeing <sp> this in yourself is a step in the right direction!communication is the key.

 

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BlueBear - Thank you for your suggestions. What did you experience with Perfect Match? I really like Heart and Soul but only got to give it a proper go once. Are they similar?

 

 

Yeah, they're similar. To me, Heart and Soul feels more social, but Perfect Match makes me feel really, deeply connected, like verbal snuggling. For me, if I were using this in a dating situation, I would start with Heart and Soul in the beginning, but as things progressed, move to Perfect Match because the connection is deeper, Hope that make sense?

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Counseling is probably a good idea but he's torn between wanting to work it out and thinking about fate and how if it was supposed to work out it would have on it's own.

 

Oh good heavens! That is like laying out the parts of a Swiss watch and waiting for them to assemble themselves! A relationship has to be worked-at, not allowed to just go wherever. Today was my 29th wedding anniversary (it was an arranged childhood marriage(!)) and we are all the time having to do this, say that, deal with something.

 

He had open heart surgery. Serious stuff. I was his nurse for six weeks, ordered by the cardiologist never to get more than a 15 minute drive away from him, having to help him in/out of bed because his sternum was cut and only wired together. Cleaning incisions. Doling out meds, and him on the highest strength Vicodin dosage available, TWO at a go. This is not "if it was supposed to work out, it would." This is "I love this man, I don't want him to die, I will do whatever it takes to care for him." And when I had my giant mutant cyst from hell and they slit my belly from a few inches below the sternum down to the pubic bone, he did the same. It was, "I love this woman, I don't want her to die (yes I could have), I will do whatever it takes to care for her." And afterward he snored, and I had hot flashes. He's still trying to combat the snoring ten years later, bless him, and if I was all, "Oh well, Fate has intervened and I can't sleep for this racket; I'm leaving," I'd be missing out on the biggest tent pole in my life. And in turn, I went out and got HRT when I couldn't stand it. And I was in so much pain for such a long time afterward that I simply didn't have a shred of patience left, and he put up with all of that. He could have been, "Oh well, she's become nothing but a bitch, I guess it's not going to work anymore," and left.

 

I explained to him, "Honey, I'm not meaning to snap. It isn't anything personal. I'm making everybody mad at me, I know it, but I can't seem to help it, because I'm in so much pain all the time, I don't have anything left to deal." (My back was in agony because my abs were cut.) And he was so looped after his heart surgery from the pain meds that I had to stay on him all the time to make sure he didn't forget and do something he wasn't supposed to - like his first day home trying to pick up the cat. Or leaving his wallet at the drugstore. But we dealt. We worked at it. We got through it and came out the other side, and we're happy. He gave me a card today that told me that I was his WORLD. Not the center of it, the totality. This is a wonderful thing.

 

Relationships don't just happen. They are developed. They are made. They are created, formed, shaped, transformed as we grow and change and get old(er). Your man needs to get that notion of, "it's just gonna happen, I can just lean back and let it flow, and if it doesn't, I walk," out of his head and put some work into your relationship, or you need to get him out of your life in favor of someone with some emotional maturity.

 

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh. But I've been with this man of mine for 31 years, counting the marriage AND dating years. My one and only. I know that we decided early on that communication is important, and I know that there have been times when we have had to work at that. It hasn't been 31 years of wine and roses by any means. We have had our fights. We have to work at getting it back functional after those fights, too. So I think I have the experience to say that your man has a completely skewed view of what makes a relationship, and he really DOES need counseling to get his head on straight about it.

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Great post, AC! And very veery true! I have been married to the ones who walked when times got tough, or just when life wasn't fun and exciting anymore. That type of person is not one that is worth anyone's heart! Life is not always wine and roses....sometimes it is boring and humdrum, and sometimes it is HARD. I finally found one who sticks around when times get tough, supports me when I need it, and hangs in there (as my mom would say....."like a hair in a biscuit".....lol....ok, so it's a hillbilly thing). And, I have done the same for him. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take......one of the hardest things for me to do was to actually ask him for help.....I had been so used to doing EVERYTHING on my own, that it was a shock to realize that I really could depend on somebody else.

Edited by Dolly

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Counseling is probably a good idea but he's torn between wanting to work it out and thinking about fate and how if it was supposed to work out it would have on it's own.

 

I snipped this line because I think this is the crux of the issue. As AC so beautifully explained, relationships don't just work themselves out, they are CREATED with hard work from both parties.

 

What I've noticed with Mr. Goddess, and many of my friends and clients, is that at the beginning there are enough hormones and horny-ness that the relationship "feels" like it's running itself, and that fate is at work. After all, you're MEANT to be together!! LOL!! But after a while, reality sets in, bills have to be paid, children throw up...you get the picture!

 

Mr. Goddess and I re-create our relationship in every moment. We know that nothing happens automatically, every day together is a choice. The magic happens when we are both choosing and creating at the same time!!

 

I've noticed that people who want the magic without the work...the chemistry, the fate, whatever...are the ones who go from relationship to relationship, ending and starting relationships because "it just didn't feel right", or "we just didn't click", or something like that.

 

Obviously, there needs to be a basis for the relationship, common beliefs, common goals, some chemistry to get the ball rolling, as it were. I'm also not saying that EVERY relationship gets to be worked out. Sometimes it really is time to cut your losses and move on. It just sounds like your man is thinking that the magic is going to do the work for him, and that just doesn't happen. I honestly don't think ANY relationship is effortless.

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Yeah, they're similar. To me, Heart and Soul feels more social, but Perfect Match makes me feel really, deeply connected, like verbal snuggling. For me, if I were using this in a dating situation, I would start with Heart and Soul in the beginning, but as things progressed, move to Perfect Match because the connection is deeper, Hope that make sense?

 

BlueBear, this is precisely what I've been trialling and I second what you have said - H&S for overall communication and closeness, Perfect Match when you want to notch it up a level and get to that lovey-dovey stage. What I am stuck on now is where to go from here?? Going to try out Perfect Match + cops next, but don't know yet how this will work out.

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AlienChangling, - Congratulations on your wedding anniversary! 29 is definitely worth celebrating in this day and age. And I feel the same way. Too many people these days feel things are supposed to just fall into place.

 

 

GoddessLynne - You sound like you have a wonderful relationship and probably from the effort you put into it. I believe the same thing you do, a healthy relationship requires work and isn't effortless. And based on what you've said, it sounds like it needs to come from both sides. *sigh* It'd be nice if things just clicked and work. Fairy tales i tell ya.

 

 

Synergist - I'd love to know how this works out for you! Please write a quick report. Ive got a bottle of perfect match coming in and was thinking of using it with some cops.

 

But I really like how caring and tender he reacted to H&S...maybe from the est? And wondered if I could spritz a bit of Cuddle Bunny with Perfect match and forgo the extra cops. Or would that defeat the purpose of Perfect Match. Can anyone chime in on this?

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But I really like how caring and tender he reacted to H&S...maybe from the est? And wondered if I could spritz a bit of Cuddle Bunny with Perfect match and forgo the extra cops. Or would that defeat the purpose of Perfect Match. Can anyone chime in on this?

 

I'd love to know the answer to this too! As to your question, if you want a detailed description see this thread :) The experiments with H&S and Perfect Match are detailed from about post #54 onwards if you don't want to read all the backstory :) The short version is - it's a winner! :D

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MeriendaTime, I have so meant to write when I first read this thread. The relationship you have now sounds so much like mine, except our roles are switched, we have been married for 11 years and we have two kids.

 

I want to be free, I want to be happy, I don't want to put in anymore efforts to keep things together. I'm sorry that I sound do harsh. It takes a lot of efforts to sustain a relationship.

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I understand, people change, or they discover their partner isn't what they originally thought after a certain amount of time together. Each situation is different so I think the need for effort is often far overused in relationship discussions.

 

Personally, the talk for the need for effort in a relationship sounds like a lot of Protestant work ethic and ignores the fact some people simply aren't meant to be together forever. Your mileage varies, of course, but I think it's part of the reason marriage rates are declining.

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Personally, the talk for the need for effort in a relationship sounds like a lot of Protestant work ethic and ignores the fact some people simply aren't meant to be together forever. Your mileage varies, of course, but I think it's part of the reason marriage rates are declining.

 

No, it isn't a lot of Protestant work ethic. It is LIFE. You'll also note that I told her if he wasn't willing to put in his share of the work on the relationship then she needed to find someone else who did. It depends on how emotionally invested you are in the relationship. Are you willing to do what it takes to hold it together when the storms come, when the coronary artery blockages and the mutant cysts from hell and the unexpected losses and the financial disasters come? Because come they will, in one form or another. And if you ARE willing, you'll come out the other side with a stronger relationship, believe it or not. And if you're not, it'll unravel before you can sneeze. And yes, MT, it DOES have to come from both sides. One person can't do all the work in a relationship. It has to be 100/100. Notice I didn't say 50/50. Each one has to be totally committed to making the relationship succeed. If you aren't, if it's a 110/90 or a 200/0, there will be problems commensurate with the degree of imbalance of work.

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I'm not arguing against sticking with someone through difficulties persay-at least assuming the other person isn't being a jerk, but it seems like a lot of the perception about the work that needs to be done is often aimed at women more than men, and I probably should have added that.

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Fair enough. But no, what I'm saying is that it takes BOTH. BOTH have to work at it, both have to want it, both have to be committed to it. The problem I perceive here (ymmv) is that what is occurring IRL is exactly what you're saying - SHE is putting all the work into it and he's letting it drift.

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By the by, guys, thanks for the agreement and support. I was terribly afraid my initial post was going to come off way too harsh and that I'd come back to this thread to find myself practically ostracized. But I've been there and I know what I'm talking about, and frankly I felt so passionately about the matter that all of that just came pouring out through the keyboard.

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JOC - You don't sound harsh at all. Sometimes people lose the interest in the relationship. Or maybe they misjudged the amount of work it would take to make said relationship work. I think that's understandable and it's probably what's going on in my case. Thank you for responding, it's like seeing what it's possibly like from his p.o.v....almost.

 

 

AlienChangeling - I didn't find your post too harsh at all! It was very eye opening. I don't think I'm going to try to make it work all by myself anymore. If he refuses to put in the same amount of effort, I'm just going to have to cut my losses. I'm just looking for a way to convince him or push him in the direction of giving us another shot.

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I also agree with AC one person with all the will in the world cannot make a relationship work on their own. I know, I've been there also. Same kinda guy, who also thought if you clean the bathroom once it should stay clean..

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I also agree with AC one person with all the will in the world cannot make a relationship work on their own. I know, I've been there also. Same kinda guy, who also thought if you clean the bathroom once it should stay clean..

 

LOL Mel, that's my theory with showers... All that running water all the time, they clean themselves, right?... :lol:

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I haven't read this whole thread (don't have time right now; will come back later) but since astrology was brought up near the beginning I though I'd mention this: alabe.com

An astrologer once told me you can get a pretty good reading there. I put in my stats and yes, I thought a ton of what I got back was very applicable to me. So you could try putting in both your birth dates/times/places and see if the commentary you get back is helpful any.

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There's not much I can add to the excellent advice you've already gotten. Maybe one thing you can do at this point is try being the best person you can be, and if he can't love that then try to live the best life without him that you can. There's nothing to be done about the past, but you can take lessons from it to be better now. Be as kind, forgiving, loving, patient, and happy as you can; basically be the kind of person that you yourself would want to date. On the outside, get a bit of a makeover that gives you a hot new look and presence. Then if he wants space to think about things, he will look back at you and see this hot new babe who has her act together, and he may be intrigued enough to try again to see if all the old crap has really been fixed.

 

If both people are open-minded enough, it really can be good enough this time that all the old garbage is forgotten. You know how time heals all wounds, but you've got to stop those wounds reopening in the meantime.

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Maybe you could try "Goddess of the Blue Moon" with La Femme Mystere:

 

BLUE LOTUS ~ No man can refuse the woman who wears this; lovers reunited, protection. Symbolizes intellect, mental energies and illumination. Inspiration, clarity, purification.

MUSK ~ Self confidence and strength, sexual attractant, heightens passions and arousal.

AMBER ~ Fertility, creativity, love, luck, riches.

BAMBOO ~ Fertility, wisdom, feminine energy. Protection, hex breaking, luck and wishes.

WHITE WILLOW ~ Feminine energy, inspiration, fertility.

MOSSES ~ Luck enhancing, financial success, protection, charity. Parental love.

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Been offline for a while to say the least, but as a man type AND having been there, I shall point out one thing that sticks in my mind from your post.

And I continued to throw put downs at him because he was unable to express himself in a way I deemed appropriate
. After having a failure in communication after 13 1/2 years with the same beautiful lady (I'm 54, she's 63) where she kept silent and let things fester, she let the anger manifest itself as "put downs" and being critical of every move I made while others in the family and friends circle could get away with murder. You talking about putting ice on the relationship...... It was the major reason I fell out of love with her because she seemed so mean and hateful with her words. If I was your guy, I'd have serious issues with you saying you still loved me after you felt the need to intentionally belittle, hurt or embarrass me with words. Just a thought from a man who gave up and walked away because of one thing::::: she never said or did anything to convince me she made a mistake with her sharp tongue out of anger. I personally think you should work on convincing him you'll never let anger drive a wedge between you like that ever again, IF he's willing to try and salvage the relationship. I'm an "ole skool" romantic at heart and wish you the best 'cuz nuttin' beats a great love affair!!

 

My humble male opinion and suggestion on perfume........ wear whatever it was you wore when you first met and dated! Trust me, his memory of why he fell in love will subconsciously include the "smell" that was part of the allure. Now, if you want to try and "bump" that with a bit with some of the "magic dust" these wonderful ladies mix up to mess with men's minds, heck, it sure couldn't hurt!! :Emoticons04235:

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Darbla - Thank you for your suggestion and advice. Kind, loving, patient and forgiving, Yes! I'm working on all of that right now.

 

damadtech - I appreciate your perspective very much. It gave me a bit of understanding about what it's like being on the other side. While half way through reading your post I got a so paranoid about some of the similarities that I completely forgot you said you were 54 and she was 63. I thought maybe he somehow found this forum as I use this name in all my forum aliases. Your post really struck a chord with me.

 

 

 

 

An update if anyone is interested! I had some huge success with Perfect Match. He now wants to work things out but I'm no longer sure I want to pursue a relationship any longer. I wonder if there is something in Perfect Match that gets people to admit things most would hide. He's admitted that our issues weren't the ONLY reason he didn't want to keep trying. He was interested in sexually exploring in a way I am unable to (even if I wished to) and wanted to get it out of his system. He did admit that it was a big mistake and that he regretted it, after I left. I felt that he threw me on the back burner and didn't value our relationship much if that was one of the big factors.

 

I think Perfect Match did leave an impression on him. I'll have to talk about my experiences in the PM thread when I get the chance. It is a great Phero.

Edited by MeriendaTime

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